Whopever.....January 2009 Diary.....

Saturday January 24: When time isn't on your side - test -Are we compatible ??


As you know myself and the whops are beginning to feel old and with this in mind we got to talking the other night about dating and the general opinion was frankly none of us could be arsed.. the awkward conversation , the will he/she call or wont she/he, what do i wear, what about the first time he sees me with no make up on ...... Now don't get me wrong I'm sure this is all very exciting when you are younger and have got hours , days and months to waste trying to work it out.. but we haven't.. now this doesn't concern me too much as I'm more than happy with my life at the moment.. but i suppose even I will hit a point where i feel like my freedom is following me round like a ten foot banner over my head reading " potential old women with only cats for company" .. so in the interests of fast forwarding a relationship, I tabled the suggestion that may be when you get asked out on a date the next time ( and this is assuming there is a next time) may be we should all just cut out the crap and see if the person would be compatible....... Below are my first 5 date activities - ( if performed in order you should know fairly quickly whether you are compatible and if not at least you haven't wasted your valuable time finding out ) First date ... Invite him to yours Run a bath before he gets there... ensure he drinks plenty of liquid and when he asks to use the bathroom , show him the way, walk in behind him... get undressed and get in the bath and talk to him while he pees.... Second date ask him to book the restaurant for 8.30pm, and pick you up for 8pm , when he arrives, answer the door still in your towel and with your hair wet , ask him to talk to you while you get ready.. ensuring you are not ready till at least 9pm , telling him at ten minute intervals that you'll be ready in ten minutes Third date ( that is if he wants one) Take him along to a family gathering , leave him alone with your grandma / grandad/ mad alcoholic uncle.. for a minimum of 3 hours . Fourth date Go out get absolutely wankered .. make an utter show of yourself and then ask him to hold back your hair while you are repeatedly sick in the toilet Fifth date If you are on your fifth date ... he's a keeper ......

Wednesday January 21: Spooning... never a good idea my dear......


If you read the blog last night, you will know that the Whop's have taken an oath to behave as badly as possible this year, this task is being undertaken in the vain hope we remember what's it's like to be young before we get too old .... Now call me stupid but I envisaged this task to include such things as drinking excessively and generally whoring it about the place... to be fair that is still on the list but Myself and Miss Whop struggled to find something to do on a Wednesday night that would allow us to feel young and irresponsible... Well, that was until I called Miss Whop on my way home from work.... she was at her mum's about to have tea.. the invite was quickly extended to include me and I was soon on my way round..... ( now if you've read the blogs for a while you will know that myself and Miss Whop have been best friends for over 20 years now... and christ that is painful to admit never mind write down)... So when i pull up at her mum's and walk straight through the front door, it was like travelling back in time...( now don't get me wrong Miss Whop's mum has decorated since 1988)... I walked in threw my jacket over the banister.. and walked into the kitchen.. and there was Mrs Whop senior bopping about the kitchen like a little dynamo... And then a weird thing happened, she asked me how my day was.. and I struck a look at Miss Whop as if to "check my story" ... what had I been doing at work, Had Miss Whop said she'd been at work, did she say she'd stayed at my house house last night, where were we suppose to be at the weekend, .......and then I answered her, realising I was no longer 14 and actually 34 , and I hadn't been anywhere I wasn't suppose to be and Miss Whop hadn't stayed out all night again and I wasn't having to cover for her...AGAIN.... We weren't wearing shiny shell suits and over sized trainers with huge tongues, and carrying Benetton bags over our shoulders.. Yep, not bad thanks .. nothing exciting just busy... how about you ... She'd been swimming, done some shopping, bought some new stuff for the house and was planning a girls trip to Spain..... Hey hold on a minute... this was role reversal at it most fecking scary!!! The 60 year old foxy Miss Whop Senior was having a better time than we were and she wasn't even trying..... She then told Miss Whop to serve the dinner , Miss Whop Senior then said "I'm going to start Spooning the peas" ... well that was it... Miss Whop starting giggling like an idiot.. her mother had used the word "Spooning"..... Thing is she realised what we were laughing at and then went on to tell us how she was never in to "Spooning" she didn't mind it if it was just a special cuddle, but she never ever thought the other hole was a good idea! Well that was it, i promptly spat my Shiraz all over the cat's litter tray...... Miss Whop Senior didn't even react, just handed me a dish cloth and asked me to move the cat first......

Tuesday January 20: As Britney once said .. it's been a while.....


Well it's fair to say, the Whopever Blog has took a bit of a nose dive lately, infact it's been less than active, ok, infact i haven't bothered my arse to write a bloody thing... see the thing is there have been a few things happening in the whop circle... we've had fall out's , falling over and general fuck it we can't be ratted.....we've had night's in , night's on our own and night's where we weren't sure where we are... Our regular night's out have stopped due to the crunch.. not the credit crunch but the fact that mini had a slight transport crunch.....Miss Whop has not dared step out of her front door as AlcoWhop has been doing his very best dying swan routine.. I've managed to loose the art of remaining friends with the opposite sex... well actually I haven't but it seems why communication skills aren't what they once were... And Christ knows where Whopchop is.. clearly he's trying his best at happy families .... So with Christmas and New year over the Whop AGM has taken place and we've decided it's a "let's all behave like nutters" year.. oh yes indeed, we have decided that due to the fear of getting old, we need to ensure we remember what it's like to be young.. with this in mind the Whop's have taken an oath to make 2009 the year of fun, ridiculous behaviour and general madness... we've decided we tried our best at being sensible over the Christmas and New year period, which to be fair did save us all money, but also made us realise what it's like to have no social life and no sense of humour... and an unhealthy obsession for ironing and the antiques roadshow.. When i started looking forward to ironing I knew I was only one step away from a wooden overcoat and things have to change.. So a few ideas...
  1. We need a Whop holiday... we can make trouble in an empty room....so no need to go far
  2. We are going to test our capacity for speed drinking
  3. We are going to lie shamelessly about our age
  4. We are going to make sure that after a night out , we have no recollection of the return trip to our respective houses
  5. We are going to give up recycling ... ( Miss Whop took the fifth on this one)
  6. We are going to get WagWhop on a night out if it kills us
  7. Private Whop is going to learn to drink and not stay in bed till late afternoon
  8. I am going to write this blog with no holes barred info ( spot the double meaning!)
So in short if we live to see the end of 2009 and we will have done bloody well.. we will of course donate our livers to scientific research......