Wednesday October 29: jesus...addicted to blogging & lampshades....

thank feck for that, finally got the blog to work... I think it's fair to say that over the last few days I have tried pretty much everything to get this sodding thing to work... ok so I’m no technical wizard, but I’m also discovered I am no technical wizard with an anger management problem... my best man friend has been trying to help to get it fixed and has also had the bad end of my shitty twatting temper.. His solution was to try to a number of technical changes (hundreds!) my resolution was to throw my soddin flipflop (lap top) at the nearest wall or out of the nearest window... he finally found the answer that fixed it.. I on the other hand took no part it finding it and opened a large bottle of wine...a fair contribution to the proceedings I thought... So clearly having not suffered enough frustration for one day I decided to fit together a brand new dangling lampshade that I treated myself to... now it is similar to a chandlier but it's purple and girly and therefore worth the stupid amount of money i paid for it... Miss Whop was round, and being the practical one out of the two of us, I decided this was the ideal time to fit it together, since I knew I would give up within two minutes of opening the box. Which means she could take over... But it couldn't have been worse; Miss Whop is tired already and on some new medication... so not an ideal start... I open the box... and christ it seems the Kripton Factor now comes in the form of a lamp shade... it's literally in a hundred pieces.. I start opening all the packets and throwing away the plastic wrapping... oh and get out the scissors... no i don't own a screw driver... so I need something to screw everything in... Miss Whop sends me off to the neighbours to borrow one... so now I look like a proper werido... walking the streets in my slippers knocking on doors asking for a screwdriver.. It took me twenty minutes to come back with one, but I did manage to meet a man who was semi naked at his door, and no he didn't want to give me his screw driver... and i think i managed to interrupt a couple having sex by banging on their door.. So I managed to interrupt a screw and fancy a one, while trying to find a screwdriver... Get back and Miss Whop is studying the instructions... i am already nursing a cut finger from an earlier attempt to loosen a screw with the scissors... Seems I have buggered up the process already, Miss Whop is fishing the plastic wrappers out of the bin, seems they were all marked with numbers on ... I've managed to borrow a magnetic screwdriver.. Which I am sure is a fantastic invention when you know what you are doing with it... I on the other hand found it a royal pain in the arse, since I managed to put the screw in and take it out ten times... Miss whop can't hold the shade still as she is too busy pissing herself, at which point I hand over the fecking thing... watch in horror as she manages to put it together in seconds ..Takes twenty minutes for me then to fit it to the ceiling... would have taken less, but falling off the chair whilst getting hit in the face by purple dangling thingeys... (And believe me that has happened to me before, but it was not connected to fitting a lampshade) didn't help... anyway it looks lovely... well it did until I shut the door , heard a crash and haven't dare go back in yet to see what I know will be a pile of expensive glass on the floor.....

Wednesday October 29:

testing

Tuesday October 14: feckin shitty twatty twat twat.. it's a full moon ladies....

So it seems that we have a full moon tonight, and according to Miss Whop ( and i swear what follows is the actual highlights of the conversation i had with her this morning) apparently the whole day and night are going to go tit's up according to Miss Whop, "because women are more full of water than men, it affects us more ?? and it's call Luna because we are lunatics ?? " yeah.... there was a long pause on my end of the phone as well this morning when she decided to educate me as well... So that was the order of the day, everything was gonna get blamed on the full moon.. And talk about a day when the whole world is clearly having a laugh at your expensive, if it could go wrong today it did, if I could break it, smash it, spill it and drop it , I did.... and that was before I had even got in the shower this morning .. Miss Whop phoned me at 7.15am to make sure i was up.. I was , until I fell back to sleep... oh yes.. did that , 5 more minutes thing.. and then woke up at 8.10am , jumped out of bed like I'd wet the bloody thing and skidded into the bathroom... Now why is it when you are already late, that nothing, nothing lends a hand to speed things up? Why does the iron heat up at half speed, why do you put it on high heat and end up giving your work shirt a triangular black pattern right across the front... Why did I then decide that I had time to wash and dry my hair only to walk out of the front door and get pissed wet through... why was the only space available to park at work right at the arse end of nowhere? And to top it all off, when I thought I had done a fantastic job of sneaking in the fire escape at work, did I then run into my boss at the top of the stairs.. oh yes seems to be that he had picked that morning to check the fire escapes and do a safety check of all the doors.. what a cracking day and I hadn't even started yet.. Lunch time comes and I decide to go and pick up the parcel that is waiting at the sorting office, it's been there a week and i hadn't been arsed to get it.. until today,.. get there , huge queue.. stand there while at least 3 people in front of me seem to be collecting the entire contents of ebay between them.. finally struggle to the front.. hand over the red collection card with all the hope of a kid at Christmas.. oh and now they need ID , well that's in the car about 14 miles away.. so i offer the guy every bit if ID i have including my inside leg measurement.,. that seems to do the trick and it swings the deal.. and I get a letter handed back.. oh yes it seems I've waited all this time to receive and shitty invoice and a letter for payment.. fanfuckingtastic.... Get back to work, manage to get back to my desk in time before the one eyed cobra comes searching round the office for another unsuspecting chick to rub up against .. I busy myself with looking busy for the rest of the day and head home... call Miss Whop on the way back and she is still insisting the full moon is at work ..apparently it's the reason the feckin shitty twatty twat twat infront of her can't drive...

Tuesday October 14: and then the lift doors opened ...

Ever tried to explain to an innocent little face something that you so know they just aren't ready to hear? Ever tried to explain to an easily shocked OCD hygiene obsessive fanatic what Rimming is ?? Well I found myself stuck in a lift with exactly that dilemma on my hands.. myself and Mini had been over to see a mate and were on our way back down in the lift when she asked me ... wasn't the easiest question to answer when the girl asking you has to wash her hands 5 times an hour in case she has picked up airborne germs! Mini, why do you want to know mate anyway ? Cos xxxx asked me if I had and I didn't know what it was well let's just say it's not about getting difficult lids of jam jars mate by this point i'm staring into the mirror in the lift pretending to touch up my makeup so i didn't have to look her in eye when she finally realised what she's asking about ok come on babe, have you done it ? Mini, mate, i'm 33 and have worn every man made material in the bedroom , what do you think? Let's just say no one is going to give you a rimming without you knowing about it yeah babe but... and before you ask mate.. no one has rimmed me in a very long time!!!!.. and that's it, that's the point when I realise the lift doors had opened.. and i was looking at the reflections of a 2.4 family and an elderly couple in the mirror.. Both women looking at me like i'd just shot their dog.. and a father that had a cast iron grip on his toddlers coat hood.. Seems Mini had the sense to shut up just after she said "but".... Decided I should take her lead in future and face the lift doors on the way down next time, rather than the bloody mirror !