Whopever.....September 2008 Diary.....

Sunday September 28: Flashdance meets Flashback....


Some names have been changed to protect the innocent...actually no they haven't they've been left in for maximum cringe factor... Thursday was planned as a quiet night out AGAIN.. started with Mini Whop arriving at mine to find I wasn't ready. in fact I was nowhere near.. just about to get in the bath..Mini comes bouncing through the door.. looking like a 5 foot condom..( she's bought a new see through coat and yes it was a hood) .. so the bath would have to wait whilst she emptied the contents of her rucksack to ensure she consulted me on an important decision.. she had a new bottle of smelly with her to wear , might not seem to important but if you know what happened to her last week when she wore her usual smelly http://blog.whopever.com/2008/09/20/92/ then you'll understand why she fancied a change...so once we'd decided the new stuff was less likely to attract the scary licking bird from last week, I made an attempt to get in the bath... now one thing you may not know about MIni is she likes to maintain eye contact whilst having a conversation.. so I get in the bath and she stands at the door.. which I have no problem with as I'm side on to her and bent forward.. we are chatting away, she has already rung Miss Whop to make sure she is on time ... (SHE WASN'T) so she's back to the bath room.. at some point I have to lie back in the bath to wash my hair.. now there is never a good time to tell your gay mate to fuck off out of the bathroom so you can wash your hair without her having a good look at your minge.... now don't get me wrong I'm not too bothered , since I have a chest similar to an ironing board, i am used to people not looking at the top half of my body while they talk to me, but even I would find it hard to concentrate on talking to my mate while her foo foo is on full show... So I use the diversion of asking her to change the music on itunes .. my hair hardly got wet.. it seemed she already had her fav song on ...so I send her to get the breezers out of the fridge.. fuck it my hair can do without conditioner for one night...I'm out of the bath and into my underwear in record time.. hair done and serve the drinks.. Mini then takes over the bathroom while she brushes her teeth twice, Miss Whop arrives and we find ourselves ahead of time for once.. For some reason we then decide we might all look good wearing hats for the night .. Mini manages to look like a total simpleton in the one she chooses and for that reason alone we ditch the hats , down the drinks and start out on our quiet night.. the boys are joining us later.. so we make a start in our favourite over priced bar..I've already nearly broken my ankle running across the road in my ridiculously high platform heels.. I have also decided to go out bra less, and whilst I have no cleavage I do have nipples that you can now hang your jacket on by the time we get to the boozer.. Mini orders her pint.. and I order two large glasses of wine for myself and Miss Whop.. it's at this point that the girl behind the bar suggests an idea to help beat the credit crunch... if we buy a bottle it's only a quid or so more.. so with a pint and a bottle of wine we hit the beer garden... Have hilarious conversation as it seems that Miss Whop is unable to speak properly.. since she turned up , she's been getting her words either mixed up or mispronouncing everything.. we turn on the heater on the wall and Miss Whop sits right in front to ensure she gets a light tan whilst getting pissed.. the boys arrive .. to be honest by this point we have sunk the wine and are ready for the next bar.. all five of us head off down the road and attack the cash points.. then we decide to feed ourselves courtesy of Mikky D's... make our way to a few bars and a couple of hours later we find ourselves on a deserted dance floor, flashing our backsides and for some reason we appear to be holding on to each other and dancing round in circles..this is where it all starts to go a little bit foggy ( my memory had left me at the same time as my decency) I do however have a brief memory of an embarrassing incident whilst dancing to Amy Whinehouse.. seems I decided to do my little dance in the style of porn star meets 2 foot high railing...yep . jirated my self against the dance floor railing so hard my fanny bone is still aching ... We do end up at our usual late bar.. by this point we've consumed plenty, had shots, triple vodka's, a pint of something that was the same colour as snot, and god knows what else.... Miss Whop seems sober but her conversational abilities haven't improved, she has just decided to point at things instead now rather than try and speak.. the karaoke requests get done and we find a seat.. Miss Whop and Mini suddenly disappear underneath the table, making me look like Billy no mates, (the boys are back at the bar ) .. Erm WTF are you two doing ?? don't look at us .. I can't even see you under there.. has she gone ?? has who gone? .. big bird , has she gone? WTF are you two on about Jesus will you get out from under there.. has she gone mate ?? And that's when I scan the room, am i looking for a 7 foot feather covered chick or am I looking for .... ohhhh fuck.. I know who I'm looking for and yes she is still there ... she's there mate.. Seems the bird who licked and smelt Mini last week is back in the bar and is doing her best to find mini.. So I sit there for 5 mins looking like a mentalist talking to myself.. eventually, I persuade them both to come out for underneath the table.. Mini goes straight outside for a fag.. whilst she is outside her drink arrives.. We are all deep in conversation when she gets back.. she takes one sip and spits most of it in my eye.. seems we got her Archers rather than gin .. frankly at this point I'm far too pissed to care...but she's whining away like a gooden.... yyyaaaadddaaa yyaaaddaaa... Babe, I'd rather snog you than drink that shit.. Really ? Really ! So that's when I lent in , got hold of the back of her head and stuck my tongue as far down her throat as Linda Lovelace did a dick...yep.. it worked she didn't utter a word for ten minutes.. Miss Whop is now throwing herself around the dance floor and she has her mentalist smile expression on.. this is the smile you get that tells you she is mullered but still managed to create the illusion of being sober..you also know because her dance moves at this point consist of spinning round in one spot constantly.. We get on the karaoke burst everyone else's ear drums for 5 minutes and then nip back outside for a fag.. the fresh air gets to me and i can not string a sentence together.. Miss Whop then announces that she is leaving, she has school in the morning.. the doorman look at each other and call her a cab in record time, she waving through the window of it when I explain to them she 's a teacher.. they still look concerned... The next thing I remember is being back outside talking to a doorman.. and for some reason I am giving him Miss Whop's number.. then I pass him the phone... And then I remember walking home with no shoes on, holding on to my best man friend and trying to walk in his shoes .. and to be honest that's it.... Wake up in the morning.. Mini has crashed on the sofa and I have a head like a bag of smashed crabs.. Miss Whop has already texted me to say the same , oh and there's a shitty text of wankwhop.. seems he has tried to get hold of me too and i hadn't replied... I spot Pizza boxes on the side and memories start to flood back... http://boad.org.uk/blog/drinking-9-5-what-a-way-to-mame-your-liver/26/09/2008 Where are my shoes ? Why does my foo foo bone hurt? Where did Miss Whop go ? Why has Mini got the arse with me? Who were the 3 pizza's for ? I call Miss Whop for the details.. no point she left before me..however she has her own questions.. How did she get home? Why has she got bruises on both her elbows? Why has she stubbed a fag out on her hallway stairs ? Who the fuck is Andy ?? and Why is she getting texts for him ?? yep.. let's just go out for a quiet drink then......

Thursday September 25: You stuck it where... how the hell did you back on to it ???


So another day of corporate bingo bollocks and by 5pm I was ready for throwing myself from a tall building.. it started with the first email of the day.. only four lines long and I could have marked off half of my mental corporate bingo card in the first two lines... I read it three or four times and still it had no meaning other than to let you know the person that sent it was a total wankshaft... I spent the entire day watching the clock .. anyway thank christ it finally hit 6pm.. and yes between 5-6 i did consider the benefits of the fire escape... Ran out the office door and jumped into the car.. pulled out the car park and then sat in the bastard traffic for 40 mins.. waited at several junctions while car after car passed by .. tried the edging forward into the road trick.. didn't work.. i did have a Mexican stand off with a betha driving a people carrier.. and she needed one, just for herself bless her.. Miss Whop popped round for a drink, we some how got on to the topic of a single girls best friend..don't ask me how but it had us both laughing out loud, now don't get me wrong as best friends we have discussed almost everything.. cried about almost everything.. but every so often you share something new with your best mate...Miss Whop has lost her pocket rocket.. she had put it somewhere safe and now wasn't sure where it was.. last thing she remembers she kicked it under the bed when an unexpected visitor had entered the room. Between us it's fair to say that we have bought everything Ann Summers has ever produced ( just to clarify we each had our own) and in my case Ann Summers became boring and very mundane.. and i turned to the "delivered in plain packaging" kind of mail order versions...if you could wear, smear it and use it , I've bought it.. we were busy laughing about the stuff we'd bought when i told her about the one I had that had a sucker on the bottom...i had to explain further... and yes it did stick it's to any surface... coffee tables, floors... mirrors..and walls... WALLS ... fucking WALLS......ohh ok so maybe there are somethings you just don't say to your best mate... she had a mental picture.. and it so was not a good one x x x

Tuesday September 23: Anyone for ice cream....


So Miss Whop and I had a weekend apart this weekend... very strange .. realise we live in each other's pockets..it came to me as I was out shopping and took a picture of a pair of shoes I thought she might like.. well actually that didn't strike me as odd.. it was when i was in the Chinese and she hadn't replied to the text I had sent her a millisecond before hand.. so I sent another , no reply and then another... by this point I was already practising what i would have to say to her mother when I explained I had found her upside down behind the television... still no reply so i called the home phone.. Jesus no answer... it's at this point i start to feel a little like a stalker...then I get the text.. the text that tells me "can't talk right now".. ahhhh now all us girls know that text , it's the text you send when you are either half undressed or are planning to be within seconds.. and you aren't on your own.. you have already committed to a horizontal line dancing session and the idea of your mate calling to tell you she's eating a fantastic won ton, might just ensure that Mr Rock becomes Mr Softy...

Saturday September 20: You made her what ??? Jesus mate what do you smell of ???


How hacked off am I, for one reason or another the Whop Circle won't be seeing much of each other this weekend.. WhopChop has to attend the funeral of the dog from next door ( yes he finally did it) but on the upside he gets to wear his suit and the possibility of a good nights sleep is helping him through the grief...Miss Whop is staying indoors mainly.. not least because AlcoWhop seems to have turned into a window licking mentalist at the moment.. I'm working which frankly I need like a second head at the moment, the idea of listening to someone else all weekend is so not what I fancied doing...sitting and smiling in the general direction of someone you would much rather stab in the eye is a test of my cheek bones I can tell you.. but it's not all bad.. went out last night with Mini Whop and the boys.. again it was planned as a quiet drink, clearly the meaning of quiet to the extended Whop circle means double's, triples and after that stop counting.....it should also mean stop dancing.. because the pictures and video's taken of us last night are nothing short of soul destroying.. I think the worse moment was when myself and Mini Whop decided to do a matrix manoeuvre in the middle of the dance floor..to be honest the place was as empty as a nun's fanny so it didn't really matter that we were throwing our arms and legs about like a couple of special cases..Although we quickly got off the dance floor when some guy ( clearly recently divorced, dumped ) starting singing Neil Diamond numbers..I was amazed that someone could actually hold a tune when they were spitting through gritted teeth.. Although the night took a hilarious turn when Mini Whop was literally pulled by a very aggressive young lady.. to help you picture the scene I'll describe it for you .. we were at the edge of the dance floor, some of us dancing, some sat down on high stools near the dance floor..Myself and Mini were having a drink sat down and a big big bird with two tone hair ( i know ,don't ask me but wherever I go there is always a bird with two tone hair) sit down next to Mini.. she places 3 bottles of alcopop on the table.. at this point we think we are in for a drink... but then suddenly she grips Mini by the back of her head and pulls her towards her... and what happened next was too unreal to believe.. she sticks out her tongue and licks the entire side of Mini's face.. Jesus.. at this point I do my usual.. i offer no help what so ever and just sit there open mouthed in shock.. she then leans in and after a minute whispers something to Mini.. well Mini looks petrified.. and then she gets up as quickly as she sat down next to us, picks up all three bottles and wanders to the dance floor..Mini looks at me, takes a massive gulp of her pint .. "Jesus babe you could have stepped in !! " "why mate what did she say?".. at this point Mini is still wiping the saliva out of her right eye.. "fucking hell mate".. "Mini what did she say?".. "she sniffed me... and said I smelt so good I made her wet !!!!"... well that was it.. I was trying so hard to comfort a very damaged Mini, but trying my best not to spit my drink at her whilst laughing..seems only fair as she was still wiping the tongue juice off her chops.. and to be honest the girl was one big Bertha and I really didn't fancy catching her attention either ....

Saturday September 20: Hormotional...the girls are in sync..oh feck....


It's been a quiet week mainly because most of the whoppette's are hormotional...this may or may not be true, but as sure as shit every month, the more time we spend with each other,we all end up with our pyramids at the same time..god forbid anyone who upsets one of us when we are like this. our conversations are made up of a general "whopever wanker" followed by a fag...tempers are lost and we cry at adverts..luckily we are mostly single so no one gets needlessly murdered..well that's not strictly true.. we do spend most evening making voodoo dolls of our best enemies.. Miss Whop has had the weekend from hell, seems our evening out ensured she was fecked for 2 days...She only left her bed for two hours last night so that she could eat at mine.. poor cow.. she can't take the pace anymore...she blamed it on her pyramids, I blamed it on the triple vodka's and Shots ....

Tuesday September 16: On a scale of one to ten..


So i've ignored the blog for a couple of days, thing is, it's all gone a little nuclear at my end in the last couple of days...it would be easier to say what hasn't happened than what has.. christ where do I start?.. Miss Whop is still having a blody nightmare with AlcoWhop, seems my misplaced hope that he had got the message was indeed misplaced .. he has a complete breakdown in memory after 15 pints ( which is usually around 2pm everyday) and starts his text campaign.. to be honest it would be funny if it wasn't so sad...and I mean sad as in looser not sad as in upsetting.. But we decided there was fun to be had, we've managed to work out a "how pissed is he?" scale by the spelling of each text message.. 3 pints for a good/home predictive text mistake 5 for a blank text 6 for two blank texts in a row ( with a half hour break inbetween..he had to get to the bar for a refill) I was sure he'd had more than 7 when he called her "sweetheat"..(twice) .. 9 for a "i've lost the best ting in the world text"...( that's even funnier if you image it in a jamaican accent) Getting the same message three times when she hasn't replied to the first one was 10 pints.. We didn't get past 10 on the scale to be honest because she turned her phone off.. shame really it was cracking entertainment while it lasted..

Sunday September 14: A pig intro and I'm trying to say my heal !!


So we'll go out for a quick couple of drinks , nothing heavy.. be at mine for 7 .... And that's how it started.. Mini Whop turned up first, I was just nipping out to pick up Miss Whop and Mini arrived early, she got the house keys chucked at her and her McDonald's order taken.. got to Miss Whop's.. I stop outside and honk ( the horn, not vomit). She pops up from underneath the window like a leprechaun.. with a mentalist smile.. I have time to tell two Chav's that no, there's about as much chance of me giving them a lift, as finding rocking horse shit..and she's in the car.. After a stop off at McDonalds we are back.. Mini Whop is in the lounge.. she has given up doing a cross word in heat mag ( too difficult) so she's moved on to "what's missing in this pic" section.. although it quickly gets abandoned when she spots the scran.. she nearly rugby tackles Miss Whop for it... erm thought you needed to iron your stuff for tonight Mini.. erm yeah.. I would do but I've lost it...you've what.. I've lost it.. I had it and I lost it...erm right ok..and that's where the conversation ended... seems she didn't know anymore than that and to be honest asking her anything else while she is trying to shove a Big Mac down her throat is suicide anyway...So between us we look like a right odd set of triplets. I've gone glam and overboard on the David Dickinson skin tone.. Miss Whop has gone for a "I'm staying warm" look and MiniWhop is sporting the yes I'm possibly a lesbian but also quite girly ( just ignore the hoody) look.. There a two minute silence when I tentatively propose the idea of walking to the boozer.. they object for different reasons..MIss Whop is weather related and Mini doesn't see why you would waste drinking time ( which is strange since she isn't drinking tonight)..so after I've checked if all the ashtrays are out.. and Mini has touched the handle of every door twice, brushed her teeth (twice) and double checked the door is locked (twice)...we are on our way.. The cab arrives, the taxi driver looks a little concerned when Mini starts to give him directions in a number of different accents..including his own..Miss Whop takes over and ensures we actually get to the right boozer.. we are going to meet the Boys .. they haven't met Mini before.. It is fair to say that she is one of the funniest people you are likely to meet, but she is a handful. She is like a full on comedy performance and the ever ready bunny.. she says the things that everyone else is thinking but would not dare say.. she makes the dullest story side splitting .. but she always always without fail goes just that little bit too far.. and doesn't give a shit ... So we get in the pub and introduce her.. and then let her loose.. needless to say within minutes the lads are in tears.. she starts to tell a story about the fattest pig she has ever seen, complete with actions and accent..and it all gets far too silly.. Waa can't speak or drink as he's too busy crying..we al pop outside for a fag and I get distracted trying to take a picture of Voldamore on a mobility scooter.. and that's when we hear it...ahhhhhhhhhhhahhhgggggggggggahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. we turn round to see Miss Whop falling over herself in slow motion.. fuck me the noise is ear splitting and she is still falling... but for some reason she seems to be leaving her shoes behind , well one shoe..she's managed to throw her bag out of the way.. bare in mind at this point no one is helping, we are all watching open mouthed as her coat is flapping in the wind like Batfink..and her face is covered in her perfectly styled hair.. and yes we are still standing and laughing.. then she starts shouting something about her heel.... oh god, we've been laughing and she's actually hurt her heel..you ok mate.. NO my heel , my heel... so by now I'm walking towards her.. sorry mate.. yeah so am I.. I've only had these fucking shoes a week and now i've knackered the heel...... well that's it. I can't help her up cause i am too busy laughing at the sight of the shoe she has left behind , it's sat there perfectly upright with the entire heel stuck in a grid.. priceless we've been out for half an hour, and Miss Whop has nearly crippled herself and Mini Whop has the lads in tears..Oh and within two hours I end up singing Avenue's and Alleyways, on the Karaoke...a couple of drinks turned to 3 of us in the house at 1.30am, me pouring Bacardi Breezer into Mini Whop's boots and a very public running commentary from the next room!! oh and we lost Miss Whop... last seen slumped against a lamppost talking to a guy in a beanie hat.....( but more about him tomorrow.. he kept her up that's for sure)

Thursday September 11: The dangers of using the shopping channel …………..


Came home from work today to find I had a delivery.. a little strange as I haven't ordered anything.. the helpful postman had decided to put a card through my door and left the parcel with a neighbour.. all going well so far.. until I realise the address he has left it at is Hinge and Bracket's address.. fantastic.. so whatever the parcel is it will no doubt been stinking of fags, and the ball of matted fur they call a dog will have cocked his leg on it... So I pop round to get it.. I can hear the TV on.. I look through the window and She's still sat there in her slippers and wearing yesterday's make up.. what a looker.. ring on the door bell.. then wipe my index finger ( hey you would if you saw the state of the place)..no answer.. this time I pull my jumper over my hand and knock on the door.. no answer.. lazy cow. There's no way the posty has left it at this address, he wouldn't have been able to get her fat arse of the sofa either... Knock again.. this time I can hear foot steps .. door opens and i'm greeted by Mr Bracket.. what a pretty picture.. head to foot flammable nylon.. ( why are their bottoms tucked into their socks ??).. he's wearing a T Shirt which shows off this seasons tattoo's perfectly..although if he stood within 5 feet of a naked flame he'd hopefully go up like a badly built BBQ . Hiya.. you have a parcel for me ? ..erm old on, did we get a parcel?.... a what?.. this woman at the door is asking, did we get a parcel.. , Stairs ! what ? .. erm excuse me I think she is saying it's on the stairs.. old on love... stairs what? The stairs ... the stairs.... Can't you just come ere and tell her yrself... ( no haven't mis spelt that , that is how he speaks) Can't you come ere ? I'm watching Maury (Povich).... Erm.. I think that's it on the stairs .. there mate..( I can see the bloody thing.. seems his ridiculously sized hat is not letting his full 20:20 work) Old on love will ya... Erm ok no problem.. ( and he wanders off in his best swagger to the lounge) and then the shouting starts.. seems she can't tear herself away from "who's my baby daddy" long enough to help... He swaggers back.. it's ere love .. couldn't see for fuckin looking..( i would agree with that if he had just turned his head over his shoulder.....) Erm.. thank you.. appreciated. see ya... As I shut the door behind me, "I hear her shout.. you should come and see this load of loosers .. unbelievable they are..." .... ohh the irony.......

Tuesday September 9: Tumbleweed…There are some things you just don’t say …jesus….


So, there we were the 3 of us stood outside the pub.. outside the door and the near window..( hey, my handbag was on the table inside)..so Miss Whop is lent with her back to the wall, our mate was facing me and I was facing up the street.. and I see Miss Whop's face.. the wide eyed look of "NO!!".. what ? Stalker Whop is walking towards us. I look up the street.. and on the inside of the pavement..and she hasn't seen him.. walking along next to Stalker Whop is.. oh yes you guessed it AlcoWhop.. sweet baby jesus and the orphans...Have you seen who's with him mate.. No she says.. and then I deliver the news..ermm Alco...and I swear her eyes left there sockets for a couple of seconds.. No sooner had I said it and they were there.. AlcoWhop stares mumbles and walks past.. seems he clearly has in some way got the message.. shame Stalker whop hasn't .. he stops, he sways.. he stops .. he sways.. jesus I was starting to feel sea sick.. Alco Whop is now stopped and staring at Miss Whop like a shot dog.. and our other mate looks well she's trying the..oh whats that on the floor trick... Stalker Whop is steaming .. for you to get the picture I need to remind you to either read the cast of characters.. or to make it easy , I'll explain a little about him .. he is a weirdo stalker ..( ok a little more) he is a materialistic knob, who talks about his car, his money, his house, his business, talks like a toff and behaves like an absolute prick. Not quite sure how his multi millionaire empire makes money, as he spends most days either steaming or with his nose down.. ...he tends to look down his nose a lot, if not at a table then at people in general... and sometime ago he seemed to think he could woo me.. I said no, he pretended to be deaf for 6 months and I stopped being polite after about a week... Anyway back to the awkward moment.. so it's only 1.30pm and Stalker is steaming.. and I mean "concrete slipper" steaming.. feet stay still but his body is leaning all over the place...and he just stands there.. far too close and staring... and still staring.. so Miss Whop is staring at me, Alco Whop is staring at her, our mate is staring at the floor and I'm staring at my bag over Miss Whop's shoulder through the window.. Stalker Whop says something.. it was like white noise.. he heard it no one else did.. he then puts his hand on my back..( if you know me you know this is likely to end up with you having one less eyeball).. I politely tell him to take himself and his hand away... but he just stares.. I shit you not the guy was 90% meths.. he stank... he then announces in his best " fowwrr warr warr" accent that they are buying us all a drink.. and by now I've had basket full... "look xxxx you aren't buying anyone a drink.. we are out for a girl's lunch and I really would prefer it if you took your hand off my back and do the decent thing and go somewhere else" .... an invisible gust of wind must of got him at this point, because he manages to do a slow mo matrix manoeuvre without moving his feet.. and all the time never breaks the stare.. "right .. I've tried to be polite.. can you please knob off" .. he turns , stumbles.. trips over his own feet , misses the pub wall with his head by a midges dick and stumbles again and he's off.. luckily Alco Whop follows him... and a collective sigh of relief is let out..... We carry on with our cigs.. just as we are about to back inside.. a guy walks up the street. and I kid you not he's wearing green wellies, green waterproof jacket and carrying a bowling bag.. he asks for a cig.. of course you can have one mate.. do you need a light ... no he has ten of them.. and then he proceeds to tell me about them only costing him a quid and what colour each one is... then I realise this guy is more than just a little bit "special" he is defo not knitting with both needles..so just as he is about to produce his lighters to show me.. Miss Whop makes excuses about our lunch being ready... and we leave him outside.. But we sit back down in the window and try and gather our thoughts.. until we realise he is still talking to us through the window and showing us his "lighter"..... Why us .. Miss Whop looks at me.. told you .. we should have gone out of town..but we've ordered the food now and since we've paid , we ain't moving... but the glasses of coke get shoved to one side and the real drinks get bought....the mood gets lifted a little when we hear from Voddie and Yorkie.. they both have brass bands rehearsing in their heads so they aren't coming... Miss Whop starts getting text's.. can i come and buy you a drink .. ermm no mate I'd rather eat my own foot and shag Noel Edmonds... so we wait an age for the food.. Miss Whop has one eye on the door the whole time.. Miss Whop goes back to the bar for refills and that's when Stalker Whop walks in.. I've seen him, our mate has seen him.. but there is not enough time to warn Miss Whop, he's already fallen on her and his chin has landed on her shoulder.. he says something to her and she shows him her teeth and walks back to us with the drinks .. " what a twat" .. "No shit".....but then the girl comes with the cutlery and we assume the food is on it's way.. Stalker Whop stumbles over and in his best " I own a small country voice" asks each of us individually is we would like a brandy.. erm no mate.....jog on ... but he just stands there again, just swaying.. Miss Whop is looking at me again.. and our mates is finding something in her "Mary Poppins" carpet bag.. right so it's down to me again ... Look xxxx I've already asked you politely, we are having lunch.. we don't want a drink or your company so please will you leave us alone thanks ...., more swaying.. right xxxx please just go.. go.. away , will you just piss off for Christ's sake... and he wanders back to the bar.. Miss Whop nips to the loo she can't take much more... Myself and friend are deep in conversation when we become aware of a co-motion .. Stalker Whop has pulled up a stool at the bar, clearly this is a no no.. and he is told so.. he decides he won't move.. and if they want him to move they can call the police.. he's shouting the words .. "I know all the boys in CID" just as Miss Whop comes back from the loo... so we fill her in as best we can.. it goes quiet for a while and get our food.. just about to stick my fork in to the mash and it all starts again.. Stalker is now shouting at the bar man... " I have not been abusive you are a prick" , "i will not move the stool back.. call the police"... oh and now Miss Whop's phone is going with more texts.. Fucking hell this is just a nightmare.. I would rather be sticking pins in my eyes than this.. and then there is more shouting ... "who do you think you are?" " I employ hundreds of people, all you do is work behind a bar.. move me , go on move me... call the police.., you are nothing" The entire pub is staring.. I've had a bit of mash on my fork for what seems like an hour and it's still in mid air.. too shocked to eat right now.. " look mate just leave , I think it's best" how the bar man didn't clout him one i don't know... " best, what would you know,what prospects have you got.. who are you.. all you are qualified to do is fill bin bags" Oh My God.. I'm now thinking I could eat my lunch just with my fork.. I can think of a better way to use my knife right now.... and then he get up.. stumbles like a twat to the doors and delivers his parting line...." you are a peasant, a fucking peasant.." and then promptly pulls the "push door" and head butts it.. and falls out of the door.....the whole place is in shock.. staring , no one speaks , no one moves. they all just stare at the door... And that's when I decide to break the atmosphere... and shout " would this be a good time to ask for a jug of extra gravy?" Oh yes... 3 2 1 .. you're back in the room...

Monday September 8: Miss Whop bounces back.. and a lunch date turns into a feckin nightmare…….


So the mission for yesterday was to get Miss Whop out of the house, and make our usual Sunday lunch date.. after the day she had on Saturday I wouldn't have blamed if she'd nailed the front door shut just in case the slippery bastard had tried to slip under the draft excluder..But like a true whop she got her arse up and began the process of recovery...I on the other hand had a slightly harder job.. since I had got to sleep about 4.30am.. and had been woken up at 9am by my alarm, well actually it wasn't the alarm it was the phone ringing.. but I was sleepy, so as I stumbled through to the lounge and hit the reject button..(yep, it seems after 5 hours kip, my phone looks just like my alarm clock, they are in different rooms.. but like I said it was early)... WankWhop realised I wasn't in the mood for a morning call....and then it rang again.. Jesus bollock chops...sod off.....even I don't want to talk to myself this early in a morning, so sure as shit you certainly don't... regardless I made the decision for him and hit reject.... Miss Whop had already text'd me.. "yo yo yo.. how was last night".. i hadn't answered as I was still walking around bumping into things.. and then she had sent another " erm.. are you alive".. short answer NO, awake but defo not alive... So I give in, I'm up there's no way I can go back to sleep now.. so I give her a call.. She's cool, she's back.... she's ready for lunch.. well she's not , she's in her jimjams.. but there's no way she's dipping... Right well, shall we go out of the way somewhere instead.. just in case AlcoWhop is out. ?.. oh fuck no... she's in fighting mood.. she's not changing a sodding thing.. she is going to go where she want's ... ermm ok mate risky but I'm with ya..... I'll give my head a shake and see you in a couple of hours.... Hair needs a wash.. smells like i've been in the local con club smoking Capston's... or does it.. I do at this point consider just brushing my hair while hanging out of the window... no doesn't work.. but the dry shampoo is in easy reach and I've just saved myself an hour.... Turn the shower on and get in.. oh what's that.. and what is that????... I've developed a massive bruise on my foot and one on my arm.. and I was reasonably soba last night.. actually that's a bit of a lie.. I was feeling mullered around midnight.. that bit is a bit patchy.. but then I started on soft drinks about 1 am.. so I managed to walk home feeling soba (ish) ....although not sure I can say the same for Yorkie.. still laughing now "bring on the trumpets"... his beer scooter ride home must have been a classic... Anyway nearly ready for meeting Miss Whop and the call comes.. she's been distracted and her hair has dried all wrong.. so she needs another 2o mins.. ok mate.. then another call.. another of our mates seems to have lost her partner overnight .. she's woken up and his stuff has gone . so she's joining us as well... oh christ is she ok I ask.. yeah mate she's top banana..he was a twat anyway.. oh thank fuck, I'm not ready for an ex wives club meeting... We send out a bongo drum call to the boys.. seems they are all upside down behind the tele, cos not one of them can be raised..... lightweights... .. get to boozer order our food.. and go outside for a fag... and that's when the fun starts... guess who the fuck walks down the road........ohhhhhhhhhh no no please.... not now, I've only just lit the thing........don't make me put it out in your eye......

Monday September 8: Theme of the weekend ….JOG ON !!!!!


What a soddin weekend.. all was going well with plans for a messy night out.. and then Miss Whop gets the dreaded text.. AlcoWhop has arrived back in Shitsville.. and he wants to talk.. oh Christ.. this is it, this is the face to face meeting that Miss Whop needs like a second head.. we were all revved up for a night out with an early start and a very late finish.. and she does the decent thing, she agrees to meet him for an hour to tell him the same feckin thing that she's been telling him for six months..she's pretty much told him NO in every way possible.. my suggestion of a welcome banner on the door with the words "No, I said No, I meant No, I still mean NO, and no don't even think about pressing the door bell, I'm not in" didn't go down well.. So she sends me a text to say she has agreed to see him and she'll phone me when she's done.. at this point I am still hopeful of a night out, still confident I can sell the benefits of going out later on and getting totally trollied..seems I clearly under estimated the ability this man has to drain the life out of everything he comes into contact with, even the living room plants were limp when I went round to see her after he's gone... So I get round there and do my best to persuade her.. but she's having none of it.. not least because the man is a mentalist and he's already told her he's going out into town as well ... now I've seen him on a night out, seen him after he has drunk his own body weight.. and he's not nice when he spits teeth .. and to top it off, I get a text of WankWhop whilst I'm with her...apparently his heart is breaking..totally impossible .. he doesn't have one...what a tosser.. So I come home and consider my options.. sit in ,have a bath, movie, take out..or nnnnooooooooo fuck it ... I check Miss Whop is OK.. and I set off to meet the boys.. end up having a cracking night..we meet anyone and everyone... a stag do , oh and a couple of gypsy queens with an attitude problem.. one with a dress fighting a loosing battle to contain her lazy puppies....seems I am not allowed to dance with my mates.. it's big no no , and her 44 cousins won't like it... So Yorkie steps in to tell motor mouth to step away.. I decide to find something very interesting to look at on my shoes ... and then he says it...he delivers the best line to a bird that deals with one word at a time.. He asks her "do you know what JOG ON means" ... and no she doesn't.. ohh she so does not know what that means...so since he's had a few drinks.. he repeats it ... she's still trying to fight her way past him and to me.. and that's when her mate does the ultimate betrayal.. she leans round and says sorry to me.. now I am totally confused.. and to be honest still am.. all four of us leave, while the two mates then turn on each other... what a nightmare... We crawl our way rounds a load of different pubs.. have to leave another club because Miss Bunny Boiler ( an ex of the group) is in there.. then we loose Voddie.. mainly due to the Voddie.. he was last seen mincing his way to the toilets ( seems he opted for the Cliff Richard shimmy style of dance )... then another of the group gives in.. seems that me and Yorkie are the ones with the staying power... walked all the way home and remembered it... and last saw Yorkie walking for a cab ..shouting "bring on the trumpets" "bring on the trumpets" "ha ha ahahahh" "Trumpets".....at that was at 4am this morning ..... absolutely top night .. couldn't have been better.....

Saturday September 6: To tan or not to tan ????


So tonight is the big night out.. Myself and Miss Whop are heading into Shitsville for what is bound to end up to be a messy messy evening...we are meeting the boys along the way which means the promise of a brutal hangover and "bring on the trumpets" morning.. so it's now ten past two in the afternoon and the prep begins ... The long bath.. with extra attention to shaving the legs and anywhere else for that matter.. at least the lady garden isn't needing attention after my visit to the pain room.. So next come the other important questions. do I bother my arse and go for a sunbed..erm no.. last time I did that I went for 9 mins instead of 6 and ended up with a back that looked like a lobster..with equally poor movement of my limbs. So do I tan ?, do I stand in the bathroom for 40 mins and try to apply tanning lotion that is in danger of making me look like a relative of David Dickinson or a WAG CHAV... Do I really want to go out looking like Casper though .. no not really so a tan it is.. Then there's the nails.. paint or natural... fuck it , if I'm applying enough tan to guide ships in, I may as well have a set of nails to match.... ohh and the finger nail colour HAS to match the toe nail colour.. so that's another job... And the hair .. since we seem to be in the middle of a full on flooding ... can I be arsed.. can I be arsed to straighten my hair and piss about with it putting a couple of flicks in.. to then step outside the house and get to the first pub looking like a an extra from Tizwas... do I do it and take an umbrella ?? No I haven't got an Umbrella, not since I took one out a few weeks ago , and put it in a bin pissed up because I couldn't be arsed stabbing myself in the foot with it AGAIN.... No, whatever the hassle, I can't not do the hair.. so that's another job for the list .. The makeup.. what colours?? Well that means I need to decide what I'm wearing first.. the make up has to go with the clothes.. and the shoes and the bag.... So it's time to step to the wardrobe... It would be a little easier if I could actually see the clothes in the wardrobe... seems it's suffed so full of "I might just wear that again" clothes .. that I can't see anything.. and where is the other pink shoe ? Jesus christ... I'll have to do the only thing for it.. go into town and buy something new..... then come back and start the whole process again.....not gonna be out before midnight at this rate.....and i'll only end up getting pissed and falling over anyway !

Saturday September 6: Black Carrots … never a good look …


So Myself and Miss Whop decided to stay in tonight.. we are saving ourselves for tomorrow.. a messy one in Shitsville is planned and we think AlcoWhop may be stalking her tomorrow, so decided to stay in and work on our disguises for tomorrow night.. we think we may go out as scooters riders instead...plus the fact if the truth be known I am still recovering from a night out on Wednesday.. can't believe it ..went out for a "quick" drink with Yorkie, Munka and Waa.. and it all went a little Pete Tongue.. Think it may have been the triple vodka's and the black sambucca that did it.. all I know is that I got my arse out in public and then other bits.. oh and I had my picture taken with a blow up doll... ( although it was a man doll)... But the worst of it was I seem to have developed a habit of disappearing on a night out.... My last memory was Yorkie coming back from the bar with a cocktail and then.. well I looked towards the entrance, saw a taxi pull up and headed straight to the door and got in .. but to be honest I don't remember the trip home.. not at all.. I do remember trying to line up my key with the lock for 20 minutes..fucking nightmare.. I can even remember closing one eye in an attempt to focus on the lock... in the end I sat on the floor and facing the door and willed it to open itself.. the next door neighbour helped me in eventually... I was steaming.. I was alright one minute, dancing away and showing my arse to the world.. next minute it was like I'd been hit on the head with drunken stick... Don't remember going to bed..but Christ do I remember walking up.. I finally managed to beat Miss Whop...I knew , I knew the minute I woke up with sick in my hair.. horrific.. and yes it was on the pillow... but there were only two pillows and I have four.. oh Christ it's time to look over the side of the bed.. and there they were.. two previously white cotton cases.. now covered in black crispy carrots... yep the black sambuca had made a very unwelcome return..but to be honest I felt so bad I went back to sleep.. ohh the shame... So an hour or so later I head to the bathroom to get headache tablets.. and this time I do find my jeans.. but I find them covered in more black carrot ... and then I realise I stepped in the bloody stuff.. so I can't work out if I've been sick in my bed or sick on myself and gone to bed.. either way it is so not attractive .. there is no way the lady garden is going to get a visit if I carry on like this.. it would have to be a very understanding Gardner that took on an sick covered chick with a ( what has to be said) is the neatest looking landing strip shitsville has to offer.. Found my jacket and my keys on the floor in the hall way, and it seems I made a bee line for the fridge when I came in, not sure what I did in the fridge since the door was still open when I woke up ..oh and the shopping channel was on in the front room, so god knows what shit I decided to buy whilst wankered .. Miss Whop was at work, so I send her a few photo's to make her proud.. I'm told I'm a disgrace.. a compliment amongst the Whop Circle... I still don't feel right.. co ordination is a nightmare.. managed to get a beep up the rear end from a copper this morning on my way to work..seems that trying to light a fag, whilst changing your CD's and stopping at green traffic lights, is now frowned upon... Struggled all day at work.. literally counted down the hours till I came home.. So tomorrow night is due to be an all out offensive.. myself and Miss Whop were working out how long ago it was since we last had a visit to our lady garden.. seems she has been more upto date with her weeding than I have .. although to be honest that isn't hard to beat to be honest.. Although she is in the throws of a potential budding romance and frankly I can't be arsed.. seems I'd rather get pissed and flash my arse to total strangers....

Wednesday September 3: A strip too far….


So since I'm now back in the land of singledom.. I thought it only right that I get the old lady garden trimmed.. I use to have this done regularly but then a 5 year relationship and a very kinky sex life meant I had someone who liked doing it for me ( shocker i know).... but never mind, since that isn't happening it was time to get the garden in order.. Clearly I had been experiencing a brain fart when I decided this was a good idea.. I also wanted a Brazilian, for those boys not experienced in the art of lady gardens, it a small landing strip that helps to guide you boys to the top prize.....So i'm lying there legs at "3 o'clock" .. and I suddenly remember just how much this hurts.. but it's too late.. way too late.. the hot wax is on and my nice torture lady (beautician) is chatting about her latest holiday... then suddenly and without warning she rips the fucking strip back like a she's just found out I shat on her door step.. holy shit.. Now don't know if you have ever experienced this ... but i found out when i went for my first ever bikini wax.. that pain makes me giggle.. really giggle nervously...so not only is she subjected me to horrific pain in the hope that it's worth it and someone will actually see it.. but now I'm also laughing like mental paitent...and she has only done one strip.. But this girl is very very dedicated.. she is duty bound to make sure every single bit is gone (apart from the landing strip).. so just when i think it's all over.. she tells me to bring one knee under my chin.. and yes I am still lying down at this point...not only am I embarrassed that this girl has just about had the closest look at my foo foo than anyone for the last 3 months.. ( infact no one has looked at it... not even me) She's now about to really LOOK..... yep and the mirror at the foot of the bed isn't helping in hiding my embarrassment either.. and what the fuck they have whale music on for I don't know.. like you going to relax when someone is pouring hot wax on your foo foo in a dim lit room..... at this point i've lost all shame.. Dignity has just packed it's bags and fucked off ... I swear to god if she'd told me to bend over and touch my toes I don't think I'd have had the strength to argue.. But it is done.. and believe me it's like taking a car on a test drive.. no use unless you actually intend to buy the thing.. so the lady garden is open for visitors who have a decent shovel and are suitably qualified in the art of topiary .....

Tuesday September 2: How blind is a blind date.. nightmare of VoddieWhop becomes DribbleWhop ….


So last night was the meeting of great minds.. finally managed to meet up with some new friends.. Myself and Miss Whop headed out for a blind meet . Hard to explain how it happened, but we made friends with some like minded lads that we had never met, never spoken to and never seen ( other than in photo's) Now to be fair this was a risky expedition, they could have been axe murderers and we could have been total mingers.. but as it happens it was a top night .. We met in a local bar ..we got there before them, and since they didn't know what we looked like, but we had seen their photo's , we had the upper hand.. So the plan was, myself and Miss Whop would hide away in the corner of the bar and watch them walk in and have a look around.. then either surprise them, or exit stage left if there was the slightest hint of an axe or a chav.... So far so good, until we hit the bar and there was not one person in it.. I mean no one, there were four of us, Me, Miss Whop, WhopChop and the girl behind the bar... FUCK, we couldn't hide, we couldn't do one, that's a shits trick.. So we sat down.. the place had all the atmosphere of a mortuary, just with less guests... there wasn't any music.. apparently they'd run out of everything as it had been a busy weekend.. can only imagine that also included electric , since the lights weren't on and the music must have been the first thing to run out on the metre.. So our new mates, Yorkie, Voddie and Munka, were late.. WhopChop decided they weren't coming ( and that Me and Miss Whop were a couple of sad cranks for agreeing arranging it) so his only solution was to get totally wankered .. he ordered the campest drink in the world and drank it , then another , then another.. twenty minutes goes past and his eye lids are closing independently of one another.. and then the lads arrive.. Yorkie steps in looking like an accountant on speed.. first words out of his mouth." you want a drink" , we are ok thanks " well fuck ya then" ..... and that pretty much set the scene.. Yorkie was next, his intro was less controversial , he just ordered his drink.. Munka.. was wearing a knock out Tee Shirt as his intro, so no words needed .. Introductions over, and WhopChop continues on his mission to look like an extra from a Club Tropicana video by drinking his ridiculous cocktail.. it's at this point that myself and Miss Whop become aware that Voddie is arseholed.. totally.. what gave it away?.. think the first indication was when he started to sit too close to Miss Whop and began to dribble on her shoulder.. oh and the game was really up when he told me I had a nice minge. and then requested to smell it... yep not the best way to make a new friend.. but to be honest that was nothing compared to his dancing.. can only be described as Freddy Mercury meet's C&A man... ( and he was about as motionless when he danced as well)....