Thursday August 28: Team Building… jesus do you have to get that / those out in public

What a day, not sure which overpaid exec had the idea of a team building day.. the idea was bad enough.. but a team building day at a water theme park ??? Not only did we look like a group of idiots.. there wasn't a small child between us, and let's face it , a group of adults in a theme park without kids, just looks like a "special" outing from Broadmoor.. So we all have to sit on a crappy coach and make small talk while we get there.. and there actually was genuine excitement about the rides...all I was arsed about was could I smoke and did I have to hand my bag over to some kid who "promised" to put it in a locker....and to be honest there is something very odd and disturbing about seeing your work colleagues in their swim wear.. and seeing your boss... my god we should have been paid danger money...I only hoped the rides had been seriously stress tested... There was no bar... apparently getting arseholed and then attempting to ride a doughnut down a vertical drop doesn't make for a good result... had to hand over my cig's to the locker joker as well , so couldn't even stand at the bottom, waving them all on, whilst trying to pose with a cig in my bikini...you even had to hand in your flip flops... so you can get third degree burns on your feet but you can't smoke?? and yes I did consider smoking the sole of my foot, but to be honest.. I wasn't sure what I'd get... the floor was a mixed of left over hot dog and hair..... But the worst of it, seriously the thing that was the most disturbing site.... the Speedo's... seems they make them in every size and in every colour and pattern... WHY ??? why are men still wearing an item of swimwear that can not make ANYONE look attractive???? I saw every size and shape...and I don't mean the general outline either.... why do they do it? And to be honest if they still insist on selling them, they should come with a voucher for a pubic wax... I don't want to see dental floss fighting it's way out ...the back and shoulder hair is bad enough.. I can imagine the rest I don't need a "look at me, look at mine" reminder..... there was one guy so fat I couldn't be sure if he had anything on... and believe me when that's flying down a giant slide at 50 miles an hour towards you.. it's enough to make you bring up your breakfast...

Tuesday August 26: The Kings of come backs..start their assault..well kind of…

Seems even being in a different country doesn't stop either WankWhop or AlcoWhop from trying to make a come back.. although to be fair AlcoWhop does make more of an effort... WankWhop can only function in between or after football matches ( at least that's what his new excuse is .. her name I'm not sure of.. but let's be fair she will have a "goal" so he's not completely lying...) in between phone calls ( only a few) and plenty of text messages.. it's always easier to send one of those. I'm not sure how he's had time to take a penalty... although he didn't always have the best staying power bless him.... Called Miss Whop this morning.. she has frankly had enough of the endless questions from AlcoWhop.. seems he has less of a memory than my nan.. and he's far less mobile it would seem.. he thinks that texting her everyday with the "i can't go on without you" crap will be all that is needed for her to forget he is a total twat and invite him back with open arms... To be honest he is more likely to get run over the minute he steps on her drive way ... not by her.. she's be busy sharpening the knife and laying out the plastic sheet... no, it would be me just accidentily on purpose edging back to park , ( in those magic 6 inches) and just happening to hit the little fucker right in the knee caps....hopefully....

Monday August 25: Anyone need a ship guiding in ?? or the kids kept away from the fire ?

So today we had a day off.. decided to head down to the pool to get a tan.. it wasn't too hot and I wasn't planning to stay out for more than an hour.. PissPotWhop was still in bed so I went down on my own...managed to get a lounger away from the screaming kids and lay on my front.. and yes.. despite getting splashed every five mins by a family of Chav's with a rubber ring.. I fell asleep... which would have been great if I had remembered to put on the suntan cream before hand... So not only do I wake up later, with a waffle complexion, the sunbed was weaved and I didn't have a towel.. very attractive.. I have also managed to dribble in my sleep... so I now resemble a damp shredded wheat....but holy shit my back is on fire and I can't bend my legs...since they how have 3rd degree burns on them...swear to god I can hardly walk.. look like a proper knob....(well i imagine I do, since I haven't seen a proper knob in ages ...so I've forgotten what one looks like) The only thing that makes it worse, is that from the front I look like Casper and the from the back, I could easily be used as a beacon to guide in the ships... infact put me on a spinning stool and turn me round at regular intervals and I shit you not I am a lighthouse... The only thing worse than the sunburn is the insect bite on my top lip.. I look like the elephant man...so the lack of suncream and lack mozzy spray means i am one hell of looker tonight..come on boys do an old girl a favour...

Saturday August 23: I manage to salvage my career and PPW ends up in the wrong room… oh and I just squished a lizard

So I'm a little late in writing the blog. Truth is it's been a turbulent couple of days.. I lost PissPotWhop (PPW), well I put her to bed in her room and went to get her in the morning.. but she wasn't there...it turns out that she had decided to wander down to Mark's room, he had drink and she wasn't tired.. I of course was in bed thinking she was doing the same... should have known better really... anyway I didn't know this when I went to get her in the morning.... There was no answer at her door when I knocked, so I knocked next door on Mark's... he doesn't answer but PPW does..oh christ , you won't believe me when I describe the site that greeted me.. she has a bed sheet wrapped round her.. but her jeans and shoes still on, (which is more than i can say for myself and Miss Whop after a night out) . she has her bra on... and as I look into the room, I can see a pair of feet, still wearing boots, sticking out of the end of one of the twin beds... so at least thank christ, she hadn't managed to shag one of her team... But what greeted me at the door was funny... beyond funny... So she's stood there facing me.. she's asking me why I am not in my room, What ? why am I not in my room with her... Because you are not in my room , or your own for that matter, you're in MARK'S !! , she just stands there staring at me like I've just told her the truth about the tooth fairy... But what is funnier is what she looks like..the left side of her shoulder length straight hair is perfect.. the right side is stuck out at an angle and it's rigid... coming from the same corner of her mouth.. is what can only be described as a trail of purple/red type stain really... it starts at the corner of her mouth and ends at the bottom of her neck...to be honest there was a second or two where we both just stood there staring at each other....I choose not to tell her what she looks like at this stage.. since i'm am busy getting use to it... and then she yawns.... FUCKING HELL WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YOUR TEETH.....they were black ...... I tell her to get her stuff together and get back to her room, we are starting in less than half an hour....I go past to wake up Mark... the guy is fully clothes and flat out on his back... Jesus could this get any worse...?? Oh yes it could... I notice her bed.. the one she has clearly collapsed on a few hours before.. it has the matching trail of purple/red stain on the pillow.. I trace the line, from the pillow , to the sheet, to the side of the bed... oh Jesus, right to the floor....and there it is ... a neat little puddle of partially digested red wine... She's been up all night drinking.. passed out on the bed and then burped the lot back up in her sleep..... It's at that point that I do the only thing I can .. I promise to make an excuse for her in case she's late... and leave , leave before I gip..... Oh I stepped on a lizard thingy outside the hotel reception.. I've gone outside to get fresh air, well that and I cig.. and just as I'm getting over the overwhelming need to gip, I turn round and stand on it... fucking hell...

Friday August 22: OMG Pisspot Whop is here .. and we are “ejected” out of the bar in record time….

Fanbloodytastic... PissPotWhop (PPW) and her team are also on the course & conference.. she's arrived tonight.. can't believe it, I honestly thought I would be dead with boredom by Saturday...was even planning my escape.. was thinking of a Steve McQueen exit..with the hotel reception replacing the German shooters ( well it worked in my head!) ... Then the text came in... "hey hey hey I'm in the bar.. where is u?" , clearly PPW had already had a few to drink... If you know anything about PPW, you will know she is a legend drinker..this is the woman who sleep walks in hotel's ( naked)...this happens after too much drink, and normally she ends up with me locking her in her room.. I have before now woken up at 4am to find her half way out of a 5th floor window..sleep walking, telling me she is going for a walk....I've never hooked my fingers round the elastic of a G string so fast in my life.. had to give her a wedgy to yank her back in....... She was already in the bar when I got down there..to be honest she was already wankered.. you can normally tell as her eye's disappear into her eyelids, and you feel like your talking to the exorsist...now bare in mind this is early..i'd been backwards and forwards to my room, checking my email etc.. so I hadn't had that much to drink.. and I refuse to anyway since it's 3 quid for a coke..but PPW had brought drink from the airport... fantastic.. suddenly realised why she was so mullered.. she's ordered a pint of coke an hour ago and has been topping it up with vodka ever since... So we go outside for a fag, PPW gets her bag caught in the revolving door on the way out, classic...we stand outside have a couple of cig's , get moved away , as apparently we are standing far too close to the entrance.. the nice man from reception came out to tell us.. he spits when he speaks , very unattractive... So we get back inside and someone has nicked our seats.. The hotel entrance is huge, if you picture a massive floor to ceiling marble entrance and check in, with a reception desk about a mile long.. the marble goes on forever until you hit the green carpet that's the bar area.... So PPW decides we are having the sofa , but she want's to move it.. I get sent to the bar for two cokes ( have I told you that it costs 6 quid) I have ordered the drinks and stand waiting... and that's when it happened.. that's when PPW skidded past me attached to the arm of a leather sofa going 30 miles an hour, followed by a half empty bottle of vodka rolling along the marble... PPW had decided to move the sofa, it was heavy and she was having to push it across the carpet.. she then decided to give it a bloody good shove as it hit the marble floor... and that's when she set off skidding like Torvil & Dean, right across the reception, the 3 blondes from the check in lent over the desk to watch her fly past still attached to the end of the sofa....didn't help that the bottle of vodka was clinging away rolling with her.... jesus if we don't get the sack tomorrow i'll be amazed...and I got told off for smoking in my room..who me?? needless to say she is safely locked in her room, bless her.....

Wednesday August 20: echo echo….are you there???

What a proper knob I have just made of myself.. only good thing was that no one else was around to hear it... I am bored out of my brains in the hotel room, so decide to call one of my mates.. she is also away working so should be as bored as me...so I give her a call.. Hello? Reply ..hello It's me Reply.. it's me You ok, can you hear me? Reply.. you ok, can you hear me ? God this is amazing.. we say exactly the same thing at the same time.... Then her voice mail kicks in.. and I realise I have been talking to myself via a delayed echo..... Belting x

Wednesday August 20: just realised half my blog is missing …..

what i bastard.. half the blog is missing....so here goes... Met a lovely welsh pensioner at the airport, he was off to Tenerife for 5 weeks.. why is it that only pensioners get the chance to go on holidays for weeks at a time, especially when they are too old to do anything useful with it... anyway he was going for 5 weeks, his wife wasn't coming until the last week.. she only wanted to come out then ..why???.....apparently she's addicted to running?? Now it may just be me, but last time I check my feet when disembarking a flight, I'm pretty sure they were still intact...why the F**k can't she go running in Tenerife?? ah.. apparently she only goes on certain roads... It was at this point I didn't want to break it to the guy that his wife ( much younger wife) had probably sold him the best line in the world..." have a nice time love, I'll see you in 4 weeks" more like " off you go love, I'm shagging someone from the running club, but still quite fancy a slight sun tan , so I'll see you in a month" Then of course there were the 4 Chav's, the 3 lads were obviously expecting a lads holiday, but i was clear one of them had had their balls broken by his girlfriend and she had managed an invite...but at least she had brought the standard pink "head" bag.. and it was full of Stella, so not doubt she was forgiven... I also consider the best way of murdering each of my colleagues...after an hour of listening to corporate bollocks and bingo,. I decided that Clare was probably best thrown under a bus.... simple but effective i thought .... So get on the plane, in need of a fag, a drink and some kip....not sat with work.. thank christ.. the benefits of turning up at the airport late.. but hold on , no i'm sat next to a women with two kids, one stuck to a window and one on her knee... so the IPOD comes out ... it's the only way to cope with the screaming Damian next to me... oh but little Damian thinks it ok to keep pulling out my ear phones... funny once, not on the fourth occasion. Considered nipping him really hard when his mother wasn't looking... but couldn't do it.. so the only thing for it was to get out the sleeping pills.... Little darlings darling slept the whole way .... bless em....

Wednesday August 20: Leaving the whop circle. and 3 quid for a can of coke..

So I'm away with work again.. gutted, having to leave the Whop circle to do some training and corporate bingo...the only saving grace is the fact that my room has internet access, although I had my pants pulled down when paying for it.. 20 quid a day.. robbing bastards...I think I may stay up all night and down load porn just to get my money's worth....and god forbid that I get thirsty... 3 quid for a can of coke.. jesus Dick Turpin is alive and well and posing as an ASBO behind the hotel bar...and I think I may apply for an overdraft so that I can have a tin of those suggary peanuts in a can from the mini bar... Private Whop texted me tonight .. he's on his way home.. he caught me on an off moment..I'd been travelling for 6 hours when texted.. so it's fair to say he got the shitty end of the stick...he asked how I was doing... needless to say he may have been a little disturbed by the response..." fucked off, fed up and suggest you text someone else" The flight was shite.. It's bad enough travelling when you are going on holiday... but even more fucking annoying when you have to give your belt , shoes and get felt up by a miserable bastard for the purposes of work... andwhy is it that airport lounges are full of travelling salesman and chav's... needless to say the Bureau de change was doing little business..

Tuesday August 19: Ok, so no memory and the discovery continues

So if you read the blog from last night you will know that myself and Miss Whop had car crash of an evening in Shitsville..we both woke up with less than we went out with, well we had gained some bruises and Miss Whop had gained some sick in her hair and her eye lashes.. but we defo can not remember much after 2am.. we have texted people, we have even asked people.. but no one can shed any light on what the hell happened.. I've got a bruise on my thigh that is the size of a small cat and several areas of damage around the house.. Miss Whop had a shower but still complained she could smell sick... she reckoned that ever time she moved she could smell it.. she texted me when she got home, to let me know she had found the source of the smell... she had sick in her eyelashes....... My jeans have totally vanished .. a very good pair, one careful owner, GSH , LTW ...gone... don't get me wrong the house is not that big.. I must of had them on when I came in, the huge scuff marks on the bedroom wall tell me that.. so god knows ...they aren't in the front garden.. and I can't see into the back garden .. so god knows... Miss Whop texted me this afternoon to let me know that she had gone to get her shoes out of her bag ( two days later the lazy whop) and her heels were covered in grass and mud.. this is really concerning , because there is no grass on the way home.. unless maybe she has buried my jeans in the front garden??? Oh and I have lost half my belly button chain??? Now that I only noticed last night after my bath.. I really don't know what happened.. I'm thinking that maybe we were spiked and then they saw us close up and changed their minds.. my shoes didn't have a mark on them.. so either she carried me home.. or I walked bare foot... or I fucked off and left her and she crawled home via the front garden.. Mind you, we did find our way home..so at least our homing device still works.. we came home alone ( I think) so clearly the "let's pull" thing didn't quite work out as planned but if I'd woken up next to someone on Sunday morning , I think I would of felt the need to thank them for supporting "care in the community."... ..

Monday August 18: It’s Sunday night and I am still trying to fill in the blanks!!!

Jesus, I really am having a problem.. last night is a serious blurrr.. so this diary is going to bit a little different to the usual in so much as I'm going to write as I remember... well if I remember anything.. Myself and Miss Whop were planning a blow out to be honest, just not as bigger blow out as it ended up being... Woke up this morning with Miss Whop in my bed and a brass band in my head...my jeans were missing and my shoes were wrapped in a tea towel in the kitchen...Miss Whop was still wearing her top from last night...and I, it seems am only wearing my G string...Miss Whop wakes up and lets me know she's cleaned up the sick in the lounge.. WHAT SICK ?? I wasn't sick ... Miss Whop insists I was.. now I do not remember alot about last night.. but I have a few flash backs. I remember waking up in a star fish position face down on the bed.... but thats it , that's all I remember, and the fact Miss Whop was alseep in the big chair in the living room...oh and I fell off the bed and slid down the wall I vaugely remember that... but that is it.. There is a massive blank ... one minute we were in a club .. the next thing I was falling off my own bed and hitting the wall.. I do remember one other thing between those two memories.. I remember being against a window.. it was a big window... I was knelt down and then I fell over. all I can remember was Miss Whop saying "come on sweet"....whether that was to me or she had kicked me over in a vain attempt to hide me from the bloke she was chatting to , I don't know.... So getting back to this morning.. Miss Whop turns over to talk to me.. I insist I have not been sick, it must have been her.. she is sure it wasn't, and the door is locked from the inside so there hasn't been anyone else in the house... It's at this point I notice that Miss Whop is covered in pink dye... it's everywhere.. her arms, her hands, her shoulder , the BACK OF HEAD !!! I am so busy laughing I fail to notice the fact that I appear to surrounded by baby wipes... god knows why.. so I look over the edge of the bed and they are everywhere, loads of them everywhere.. and I can't find my jeans...my necklace is missing.. we lie in bed and try to figure out what in the hell happened ?? It seems Miss Whop knows less than I do, the last memory she has is of walking up some stairs in the club..... That's when we both reach for our phones.. you'll know this trick.. if you can't remember anything.... check your texts and your calls list.. usually the answer is lying in the phone...so in an attempt to work out where we went and how we got home we check the phones .. It seems I have called Miss Whop at 2.20am, twice, she has answered one call and we talked for 19 seconds and she missed the other... then there is a text from me to Miss Whop at 2.24am saying "I'm outside nut nut"..... Outside where ?? Why were we ringing each other ??? We were together weren't we ?? Holy shit....... So we really are confused... we look for taxi number.. we must have got a cab back...ermmm nope , no taxi number.. on either phone.. there is no way we've walked.. we never walk... so that is as much as we know...for now....I will write more I promise......you haven't heard about Miss Whop finding sick in her eyelashes yet ..oh and the fact that I discovered I had also texted WankWhop......

Saturday August 16: Developed a fantastic new skill

I have mastered a new art, it's a dark art, a fantastic art.. I challenge anyone to try this.. it worked for me with fantastic results... I was so tired at work today, I needed a kip.. we have a sick room but it's full of sick people and I didn't fancy catching anything.. to be honest I can do that from the toilets... you trying hovering 3 times a day it's bloody hard work... So back at my desk, I gather my papers ... ensuring I have a large enough pile.. I turn a few over and put them next to the large pile.. I swish my hair forward , place my elbows on the table, either side of the pile... place my hands on my ears and stare intently at the pile.... And there you have it... a power nap.. no one can see your eyes are closed.. You have your hands over your ears.. giving off that "jog on I'm concentrating" look.. And you also have a built in silent alarm........if you drop off enough .. you head butt the high pile of papers... instant wake up.. and you never hit the desk... Believe me..I got 12 minutes out of it .....

Friday August 15: It’s a full moon..Miss Whop goes all mystic…

Now you will know already that Miss Whop has a love of sea turtles..I was shocked to be honest until she revealed her second love today...she was telling me about the fact ....oh hold on... ...sorry lost concentration then.. some chav went past in his mobile juke box...Twat.. Anyway where was I, oh Miss Whop was in the middle of telling me her thoughts on the full moon we are due today..and about how it makes all the animals in the world behave strangely..( I know, she is a mentalist).. and that's when she mentioned it... She loves Sheep... they apparently look like clouds on four legs... Now I don't know about you, but the last time I looked up in the sky, I didn't see this week's Sunday roast... I also didn't see lots of clouds chewing on the sky, whilst sporting blue and red circles on their backsides... but apparently they like cheese and are lovely to cuddle... Now I would personally rather boil my own head, than be caught trying to run around a field chasing next season's jumper in an effort to cuddle the shit covered lamb shank...

Friday August 15: Just found a camel under the sink

God that was lucky, just found a camel under the sink.. I was out of cigs... you know the feeling ... open the packet see the last one debate if you really need it ... knowing that you could always save it till the morning.. then you spend what seems like hours wondering if you have an emergency packet anywhere... you get stressed, so stressed in fact that you now need that last cig to calm your nerves... oh fuck it, it's in your hands and lit, faster than pensioner in post office queue...now you HAVE to find the emergency pack... and that's when I foundthem...for the love of god.. the Camel's under the sink......

Friday August 15: Are you the next whop circle character ??

a few people have asked how they can be added to the cast of characters.... If you click on the link to register , I'll send you the newsletter update that tells you exactly how YOU may just become the newest Whopper !!! ...... http://whopever.com/tinc?key=Wunqm19v&formname=subscription

Thursday August 14: Miss Whop turns down the squaddie offer to clear out AlcoWhop

Miss Whop decided to de-clutter her house today... well she decided to clear out Alco Whops stuff... we managed to fill 4 supermarket bottle banks...she's expecting a bill from the tip after she dropped off his arm chair.. the thing will burn for hours what with it being practically pickled in meths...we donated his books ( all two of them) to the local primary school, well we tried ,they suggested they would be better suited to the pre school nursery.. Although she did find £2.5o in her bedroom, it must have been well hidden or he'd have have bought some Tennants extra with it...

Thursday August 14: Falling off my own sofa….

Not easy to do really, fall off your own sofa, mine's not a tall one and I'm not a short arse.. but I managed it... Whilst watching tele I decided to paint my nails, toe nails and finger nails must match, absolutely essential... but not a essential as smoking at the same time.. You need to picture the scene for this, on sofa in front of the tele, coffee table in front of me, coffee table on a rug, rug on wooden floor.... I get a little enthusiastic in leaning forward to paint my toe nail, push to hard, send the coffee table like a surf board into the TV , and do an incredible rolly polly straight off my sofa and head butt the floor... fantastic.. but I never never ever dropped the cigarette..I may have broken my nose , but the fag was as straight as Mini whop.....

Wednesday August 13: WagWhop turns up and the rest of the day is radio rental..

Had a date booked today to meet WagWhop for a coffee before we both went to work.. and Jesus,Mary and Joss Stone, she turned up, in fact she beat me there...we've had made it at the same time but I stopped off to take a photo of Bob's new chariot.. So I get to our favourite coffee shop and she is already in the prime viewing seat.. you know the one I've told you about it, the sofa at the front, let's you watch the gene pool as it passes... By the time I go there I was piss wet through, as it has been raining like mad and a kind bus driver had decided I must not have washed, as he gave me a full on free shit shower as he drove past the bastard... So I felt even better when I get there and she's waving at the window looking like a true wag, yep she was dressed in Silk and not a hair out of place, clearly there hadn't been a spot of rain where she was the bitch... and me, well I'm looking a blind bloke did my make up and my clothes came out of a tramps ruck sack..cracking....what a start to a mental day.... It's fair to say that I'm was not knitting with both needles today, all day things went pear shaped and I swear my comment about carrier bags has made it's way around Shitsville...having spent £50 in a well known chemist.. I get asked whether a want a carrier bag... Jesus Christ... it's time to get the Borrower's out of my pocket yet again and bring in the pack horse.. It wouldn't have been quite so bad if the question hadn't been asked by a cosmetic counter girl, that was wearing more make up than Lilly Savage and looking a lot less female And why is it that they have to look at you like you just kicked their mother in the crotch... ? I appreciate that after the bus incident i wasn't doing my best impression of a super model..but did she really have to look at each product I bought and check that I was qualified to use it... oh and then stuff it all into a stupidly small bag, that meant the handles wouldn't reach together so I had to hobble off looking like I had one leg shorter than the other! So work was Shite, same people same boring conversations...the water cooler is still a big issue and sandwiches are not what they use to be apparently.. I'm waiting for the call to action, these people strike over less.... Got Miss Whop her email address today, and she promptly put it to good use by emailing me to let me know it was working.. funny that having just emailed her the details I had imagined it was working... the second thing she did with it. Used it to flirt like a hooker on speed... I settled down to watch a bit of the Olympic's, the gymnasic's... my god, watched the blokes throw themselves around on the horse thingy.. not being funny but if they can do that with their hand whilst in the air can you imagine the work out you'd get in the bedroom.. I think I could almost forgive the vest and the white tight pants... if they would rub talc around in my room !! Then they went to the swing bar thingy.. and that's when the wincing happened.. a poor guy did some mad triple thing and fell off, he went down like a sack of shit...suddenly he looked like an over grown ballet dancer and the white pants weren't quite as attractive... and they pull "the face"..whilst they are competing... not good, maybe that's where the blokes I know get it from...may be they think the performance is the similar.. only problem is, bar a couple, most of mine wouldn't have managed a leg up to the bar, never mind a swivel hip show !! Mind you there was one American bloke who looked like he could have kept this arms by his side and flipped from bar to bar using his middle leg... if you get my meaning.. OMG he landed on the matt and I was already kneeling 2 mm from the television screen.... Then the furniture got delivered... but I'll leave that little disaster till tomorrow ....

Tuesday August 12: How many is too many

Miss Whop called round tonight, she's had an interesting 24 hours, she seems to have been chatted up by quite a few honey's and was loving it, and since I'd also been chatted up tonight ( well strictly not true, but I guy did let me go infront in the queue at McDonalds) our conversation quickly turned to how many shags we'd notched up between us...oohhh hold on, when I say that I don't mean we come as a pair..... no that stretches the friendship thing a little far... But just how many is too many and how few is embarrassingly sad.??? .. it turns out that my habit of long term relationship's and the "fuck off you twat" response I tend to have while I'm throwing myself about a dance floor, means a low score from Uber...not sure how the local Nunnery hasn't found me yet with my misery score of 8 !!! yes I'm 33 and only notched 8... now don't get me wrong with a few of those 8, I've had marathons that would beat Paula Radcliffe hands down... and have given me a better reason to walk like John Wayne than his horse ever did .... but still only 8.... And Miss Whop, while her total leans more toward the loaves and fishes kinda theme... we sat there for ages, while we recalled the names of some, failed to recall the names of others... actually her total wasn't that bad but it was a shit load more than mine.... We laughed at the nearly's we had both nearly had, the crap shags we had both definately had, the wierd requests..ohh and christ there were plenty of those... you'll have had them I'm sure .. The one when he asks if you like how he feels....I mean come one, if at that point you didn't like it, then what is the right answer ... "erm, since you mention it , no, can I have your other one please ??" or the one where you are sure you have fallen asleep for a minute while you head was firmly pushed into the pillow... The one when you think it would be easier at to give him a pot holing hat and some directions.... the one when he pulls the face.... oh yes the face that means you instantly loose all desire and suddenly see him as a deranged weirdo... The one that was so bad you changed your name half way through, left someone else's number and gladly paid for your own cab home at 5 in the morning...saying good morning to his elderly mother on the way out.... And the really good ones....oh yep had those... your favourite underwear gets ripped off and you don't lie there adding up the cost of the replacement... The one were you do physically ache for a few days in places you shouldn't and your mates ask you how you hurt your knees so badly..oh and you discover you can in fact bruise you pubic bone ... The one where you gladly do the walk of shame the following morning, wearing last night's top back to front and DO NOT GIVE A SHIT..... Yep I've decided my interest in horizontal line dancing has been renewed.. I most certainly want to do the walk of shame this week.....with or without cowboy boots.. just in case you are interested.......

Monday August 11: Horoscope is a piss take yet again ….

Now if you read my website and this blog often enough, you will know that my love life is a total shit heap..and I am currently undergoing what can only best be described as a drought... Well frankly... if it hasn't healed over already I'll be amazed, the idea of waxing would be as useful as buying a blind man some binoculars.. ( in other words no one's gonna see it, so close up's are pointless) So imagine what a piss take is was yet again to read this in my horoscope as written by Russell.... You might need to put on the brakes today when it comes to love and romance, dear XXXXXXX. Don't think that this means you have to break off any sort relationship you have in the works, but do realize that you may need to take a more realistic approach in how you handle it. The problem is that you may be getting so caught up in the fantasy aspect of things that you are failing to pay attention to the practical aspects. No 1.. The Brakes ??? has Russell gone all "whazzzz upppp"?..tosser.... No 2 ..I'd "put the brakes" on Russ if I had a sodding relationship... anything actually.. I'd offer to fix the fucking brakes of any man who would have a relationship... No 3 .. "A more realistic approach".. how much more realistic would you like me to get.. ?? It's healed over for fuck's sake...frankly Russ , I'd consider doing you at this point and you're as camp as Christmas my friend... No 4. "Caught up in the fantasy"..errmmmm really Russ, what fantasy would that be ?? The one where I stock up on 2 for 1 battery offers at Sainsbury's or the one where I start rubbing myself against random people in Greggs bakery ??? No 5. "The practical aspects" ? ,... oh that would be me learning to Flick my own bean for a bit longer then would it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday August 10: Ten items or less .. that’s when the row started …..

Being single does have it's advantages.. well having spent all day in the house and not finding one advantage, i decided to nip to Sainsbury's to stock up on essentials.. well buy toothpaste, milk and cigs... Had a chip about the aisles and couldn't believe how many male honey's there were in there ... Got to the ten items or less check out, with Eleven items.. I know, I know, but I like to live life on the edge.. and that's when it started ... I smiled at bloke in the opposite queue, his girlfriend/ wife was facing the other way and she turned and caught him smiling back.. now let me just explain at this point, this guy was no oil painting.. I wasn't giving him the "look at me , look at you" thing.. it was just a "caught your eye" kind of smile... Well fuck me.. The Missus was not impressed... you'd have thought I'd been caught on my knees trying to gobble the bloke at the check out for Christs sake ! She tried to give me her best stare... but the fact that I openly pissed myself in front of her perhaps didn't improve the poor guy's chances of keeping all his limbs intact....The poor bastard got a bollocking in front of the entire queue... she was a full on mentalist... I went to the Cig counter and she pulled him by his elbow out of my way.... I felt so sorry for him, he didn't dare look up... No wonder he smiles at women in check out queue's , he's probably not had a gobble off that witch in years.........

Saturday August 9: Well ard at the local garage

just went down to the local garage to get some cigs.. interesting experience, not least because the lovely woman that served me had practically no teeth, although i didn't get to see them for a while.. no she was busy staring at the counter... I should have been grateful i was getting ignored to be honest because frankly when she turned round I wasn't sure what i was looking at ... the reason she gave for ignoring me, "She hadn't known I was there.." It seems the ridiculously loud "you have a customer" nee noor as I came in wasn't enough... seriously if anyone fancies an easy few quid you could rob this woman of her takings and her underwear before she remembered to breath in and out ! The reason she gave..." she was reading about well ard"... now at first I was about to give her credit for having the balls to read porn in a petrol station... But no, she was reading about the fact that the dog from eastenders had been written out... You can imagine the exit Nee Noor sounded better on the way out .........

Saturday August 9: Work on Friday … i really would rather boil my own head ….

God I really need to find another job, if I have to listen to one more person moaning ... what's wrong with people, apparently this week the major complaint is the water cooler.. it's doesn't taste right and it's not cold enough.. for fucks sake do these people have nothing more to complain about .... go buy your own you lazy lazy Muppet's ... In fact , I've got a complaint, Fun days ! TWO things firstly they aren't funny and secondly i don't like having a bin pushed under my nose whilst i'm in the middle of working, surfing the Internet (Ebay actually).. to be told to donate a quid for the pleasure of wearing my own clothes ... What choice do I have? Now I considered the following; A- tell the vacant looking Muppet to knob off and stick the quid up her arse B- Offer to strip, then technically I'm wearing nothing so don't have to offer the quid ? C- Grab the bin off her and smack her round the head with it.. since I just got outbid on eBay..whilst i was busy finding 2p's D- offer to do the collection for her.. that way she won't know if I put the quid in or not E- Strip naked and set up a rival collection, bet i'd get a few more quid's in my bucket than her ..... Which bucket?? while i'll leave you to think about that one !

Friday August 8: Miss Whop goes for a bath, misses the turtles but gets a moth

Bless her, Miss Whop has been busy decorating her house for the past two days, she sent me a picture earlier, she'd had a slight slip with the paint brush and ended up sporting the Adam Ant look......the poor whop has been covered in paint for 48 hours ! So she decides to give reward herself with a nice long relaxing bath, she's reading some mad book at the moment, so she can stay in there for hours...well normally she could, we 'd watched big brother together, well not actually together, she was at her's I was at mine, but we chatted through out on MSN, and she pops off for her bath ... Now I thought it was strange when she was back on line within the hour, she'd either forgotten her snorkel and flippers or something was seriously wrong... Yep, she had managed to be the only person I know to get attacked by a killer moth in the bath.. apparently she was happily reading away, when it flew in , it flew straight at her head, now if you knew Miss Whop you'd know that this was bad news, she has only just (in her 33rd year) plucked up the courage to catch spiders in glasses ( and I don't mean her bifocals) .. it apparently "flew right at her"... the book went for a burton and the moth did a front crawl in the bubbles... Miss Whop ?? She was last seen running down the street screaming about a moth in her muff.......

Thursday August 7: I’m throwing a sicky tomorrow….

Just decided I'm not going in tomorrow, going to leave the hardwork to the Mensa Hello reading vending machine addicts... I'm going to go to my favourite coffee shop in Shitsville, sit in the window and amuse myself with a little people watching...If i'm lukcy Annie (my 88 year old mate) might be in , then I might go into that well known newsagent, see if the ginger haired weirdo from behind the counter offers me a bag , although I might take my pack horse with me just in case , Miss Whop and WhopChop are both busy decorating at the moment, (different houses) so neither of them will come out and help me waste the day away, might see if WagWhop is actually alive, mind you she never answers her phone anyway...in-fact I might offer to buy a random stranger a coffee and see what that brings ??? you never know I may just manage to get myself sectioned.... cracking idea, at least I wouldn't have to go to work !!!!!

Thursday August 7: is it me or does no one else do any sodding work…

Had an interesting day at work today, did a short shift today as we didn't have much to do apparently...so at sat at work doing a load of admin, so I was working... but Jesus was anyone else ???? Had to bite my hand while I sat there listening to two work shy shitheads behind me complaining about nearly any subject you could imagine... I shit you not these people do nothing but sit on their fat arses all day long complaining about how there isn't enough of a selection of chocolate in the vending machine... Luckily I didn't have to look at the fat trout while she was complaining, all I had to do was listen to her whining bloody one syllabus conversation... the best thing they could do at work is empty that vending machine, At least that way I didn't have to watch her fat backside walking up and down to it.. oh actually hold on a minute that's right she gets her other lardy mate to go for her, she wasn't able to move as she might loose her place in Hello magazine... well the ruler may have slipped from underneath the line she was reading... yeah this girl is still in the "jack and jill" reading class.....

Wednesday August 6: Had a day off work today….found 4 handbags!

Had a day off work today and was so looking forward to a lie in, so you can imagine I was as happy as a hooker in a convent when I woke up at 7am. Would have woken up at 2.30am when the Whop phone rang ( only I had put it on silent!) but thanks for the music message by the way....whoever you are x So I decided to clean out a few boxes instead and straighten out my bedroom, I knew there must be a load of stuff to put on Ebay, because it's fair to say I buy shitloads and wear hardly any of it.. I buy when I'm bored or unhappy which means lately i've bought shit loads... Anyway I found stuff I didn't know I had, found 4 handbags with the tags still on ?? I mean how does anyone do that, more than a grand in handbags and I don't even remember buying them, my credit card does but I don't.. And who in the right mind would buy a huge pastel pink bucket handbag anyway, was I blind, had I undergone some kind of total Chav transformation and not realised??? Some of the stuff I found was so bad I'd have to drop it off at the charity shop wearing a balaclava for fear of embarrassment.. Needless to say I'm still knee deep in offensive fashion items as we speak.. so if you know me and it's your birthday any time soon.. I would suggest you start practising your " oh.. that's just what I wanted" face... and believe me, with some of the shite I'm about to recycle as presents you will need to really practise !

Tuesday August 5: Miss Whop and her turtles…..amongst other topics

Saturday night and Sunday morning was one of the funniest nights in I have had with two mates in a long time.. I can't possibly begin to put all of it in here tonight, but believe me I am gonna make sure you get to piss yourself at the conversations that happened while we all got more and more legless and messy on Saturday night / Sunday morning.. But for now one of funniest things I listened to was Miss Whop talking about turtles.. seems that she has had a secret passion that she has kept to herself for a very long time.. she's obsessed with Turtles.. and the fact she also gets the Barrier Reef mixed up with Tenerife.., admittedly a half bottle of vodka had been sunk by the time she admitted to her life long ambition of working on a conservation team on a beach at night making sure that all the baby turtles were "shooed" back into the water... I shit you not she was hysterical.. the story about the jeep ride in Cyprus for hours to only reach a beach in the pitch black was one of the funniest things I have ever heard... oh and that included going to see a watch tower and taking pictures of the bits "Turkey had bombed the shit out of", oh and the red stripey spiders... god there is so much more I have got to write out in this blog in the next couple of days.. and I haven't even mentioned WhopChop's bed wetting school trip phobia yet !!!

Tuesday August 5: Saturday night continued..funny what you find out when things get messy

We decide we aren't going out, I can't drive, we've got no drink and I'm already bumping into things.. it's not even half six..emergency call made to Miss Whop for supplies..bless her, fresh from her run in with the garage and her run in with Alco Whop ( yes he'd be back on the phone begging again....) poor cow has way more patience than me, I'd have sent him the rope and a set of instructions by now...Miss Whop drives down and collects WhopChop, they go out for the supplies... at this point I'm not over sure what I did, think I may have collasped on to the sofa.. but I woke up with my phone ringing..Miss Whop was going to MickyD's..the girl is a legend.. order went in for a shit load of food we both knew we wouldn't eat.. I can hear WhopChop moaning in the back ground.. miserable bastard wasn't use to having to get anything organised or going out and buying it... I do remember asking for him to get my some fags as well, yep.. that didn't go down well ...... Must have fallen asleep again, cos next thing I know they are back, Miss Whop carrying her food and WhopChop buckling under the weight of what he'd bought, paid for and now had to carry...

Tuesday August 5: What a weekend… Saturday night in is the new out!

As you know myself and Miss Whop were defo going out on Saturday night, we planned it and we were going to kick the arse out of it.. now it all went just more than a little pair shaped when WhopChop got involved....call comes about 4ish, WhopChop is in the pub near me, so of course I go down to join him.. Miss Whop didn't come, she was in the bath again....so I have a large glass of wine and sit outside with Chop, we are joined by stalker whop.( i shit you not the guy has a homing device)..oh you can imagine the joy... i took the only option I had, which was to down my drink like i hadn't had a drop of liquid in 3 months and hoped the BULLSHIT he was talking would become white noise after a while...I waited and I waited, nope it wasn't working, so WhopChop was dispatched back to the bar for more mind numbing nector.. now you'll know by now that I can't handle my drink..but I saw this as an advantage, since stalker had decided to sit next to me and get his leg uncomfortably close to mine..to get steaming was the only option..started to nod off after a while, this wasn't due to drink it was due to the repetitive bullshit I was having to listen to...even after the brief relief of watching a smack head hold up the shitsville traffic with a shopping trolley full of scrap I was still loosing the will to live...gave WhopChop the mentalist stare and he made an excuse for us to leave....funny thing is Stalker thinks we are shagging each other, so I left safe in the knowledge we had twisted his melon enough ....

Saturday August 2: Bionic sodding bell ringers

From my front room I can hear the happy clappers at the local church tugging away on their cords... the bionic bell ringers have been going at it for fecking hours.. really starting to get hacked off now... OK, so someone else has managed to hold a relationship together long enough to get married.. great, no really I'm very happy for them, but out of the respect for all of us who haven't, could they not just stop ringing those bloody bells long enough , just long enough for me to forget... even for a second ??? No it seems over an hour later they are still going at it... god bless those happy bastards .... oh dear is that rain cloud i can see coming over ?????

Saturday August 2: Now I may just have sent a text to Alco Whop

Got that awful feeling this morning that I sent a text to Alco Whop.. Myself and Miss Whop were enjoying a boozy evening in when he decided to start texting her his usual desperate messages.... Now as my recollection of the end of last night is a little dodgey...so I need to be sure.. I had to check my sent messages this morning.. and oh yes I did send just the one message.. it wasn't a long one .. but it did contain the words, "Pint & Cunt" ...... Just awaiting a reply ....

Saturday August 2: The Whop Phone… early mornin call

Well the whop mobile went live yesterday and Christ hasn't it been popular... I know things about people I really shouldn't know.. Quite funny really, I haven't got a clue who anyone is, and they haven't me so they can tell me what they like... The train journey that took ages.. The relationship advice I've been given Ohhh and the wake up call I got at 3.43am this morning asking me what I was doing.... Newsflash I was asleep...already trying to sleep off a bad head had already drunk way too much wine... Got a text message at 4.10am asking for advice about how to use facebook......how to set up a fan page .... Click here http://www.new.facebook.com/pages/Whopevercom/41547246832?ref=ts

Friday August 1: Coffee with my new 88 year old best mate

Went into shitsville today for a coffee.. went to my favourite coffee shop, you'll know the one, comfortable chairs and a great view of the pond life that passes. Sat myself down and was happily reading the local paper, this takes about two mins (deaths, births, court appearances, mostly the same families) .. I was joined by Annie, now I don't know Annie, but within a few seconds she was telling me about the fact she had just come back from Tenerife..Los CrisCross apparently...had a great time, nearly ran off with a "bar boy"... this women was a legend, Honestly she was cracking entertainment... apparently she shouldn't have lived past the age of 5 "ad a jippy kidney", but she never smoked.. likes a drink though, she was thinking of sitting outside for her coffee but the weather was no good.. at this point I wasn't gonna break the fact to her that there isn't any outside seating.. so I start to wonder if she really does know where she is.... Then she does the best "put down" ever.. she leaves me with her M&S carrier bag and hobbles over to the counter, she orders and walks back... minus a drink...now I start to think she's a nut nut.. until the young Trainee Coffee Maker, brings her coffee over..and then....... and she nips his arse and calls him Mary..... and cackles like a hooker....her Pat Butcher earrings were swinging all over the place..this women was unreal... the poor lad when crimson!! Apparently she's off to Amsterdam next.. she thinks she can work in "one of em windas", she reckons there a niche market for her... at 88 she's not doing bad, because apparently her mother died of that "tobacco cancer" at 59... "riddled with it she were".......