Thursday July 31: The new challenge.. oh my god

So i''ve been travelling with work for a day or so, hence the lack of updates.... But you'll be glad to know that I have still stuck to my challenge of telling the truth.. but what a fucking nightmare...talk about timing... I only go and set myself a challenge for the week that WankWhop decides to get in touch....last night in fact, as i'm tucking into a burger and fries at TGI's.. i'm not being funny but my dining companion was left wearing half my mouth full as a spat it across the table in shock.... they were wearing purple, I'd eaten mayo.. not an attractive combo He made the stupid mistake of asking how I felt about "things" .. needless to say I stuck to challenge of truth... and after I pressed the send button I haven't heard from him since.... he's probably still working his way through the text... believe me I had a lot of truth to get out......

Tuesday July 29: Challenge of the week.. something a little difference

if you've read my earlier blogs tonight you will see that I have really seen my own arse today and decided I need a change..since I am not yet ready to make any really big decisions, I decided earlier on today that for the rest of the week I will tell people the truth.. infact more specifically, I will tell them what they want to know honestly.. seems obvious I know but I am someone who when asked how I am, I generally say " on fine thanks" or when asked if that's ok , I say " yep it's ok it doesn't matter"... when i really want to say "I am thoroughly fucked off , that top is awful and your friend is a twat..."( not always in the one sentence) So in order to make things a little more interesting I am going to tell those who are brave enough to ask the truth.. and I mean everyone , from my family, my closest friends, through to the stranger on the street...the women in the shop and the wrong number caller... Ok the last one needs explaining... he was my first unfortunate guinea pig... sat in the bath at home today ( who else's bath would I be in ??) and my home phone rings.. which in itself is unusual because I give my number to about 5 people..i get out of the bath, nearly break my neck and find the phone.. so a number appears in the display that I don't recognise.. I answer and after me saying hello a couple of times they hang up.. This fucked me right off.. I'm nearly a cripple because of them and they don't say a word.. just hang up..I get back in the bath .. then I get out again.. oh yes I pick up the phone and call the number back Me -" hello , you just called me and hung up when I answered" Them " oh.... ( pause for effect, consider possible responses) Me-" yes, you called and hung up.. did you want something" Them " yes I wanted to call another number" Me " Clearly !, but you called mine and you hung up" Them" yes , I realised you were not the international number I wanted" Me "good I'm glad you realised, did you realised after you put the phone down or before?" Them " before" Me " oh, well next time do have manners, be a love and let me know that will you?" Them "sorry ?" Me- " no you aren't (their's was more of a pardon, but i decided to see this as an apology), I was very nearly a cripple" Them " oh,, erm right ok" Me " thank you, bye now" a small step forward for me I think .......

Tuesday July 29: Predictive text

Realised the dangers of not checking your messages before you send them tonight.. did you know that when writing "cock" , you also get , Coal, Anal, ?? and when writing "home" you also get Good, Gone, & Hood.. Now imagine my embarrassment when I try and write " no worries I'm home now , even if I do feel like a proper cock" .... , now replace it with the words Good and Anal...oh wasn't I popular with my male mates tonight....

Tuesday July 29: Warning - this content is a little more serious than normal..

Not my usual diary entry but i can't sleep so I've given up and decided to write instead..been lying in bed since 9.45pm, after deciding to try and get a decent nights sleep, but clearly that hasn't worked.. I seem to keep having the "is this it?" conversation in my head. In fact i've been having it for a few weeks probably why i decided to start this diary and site. See I always thought when I was 16 that I would know what I wanted when i was 18, by then i'd be an adult and life would of course make sense, .. I then got to 18 and realised I didn't know it yet but being 21 was just around the corner and I'd wait till then for my enlightenment, so 21 came and went ( as well as marriage) and realised I wasn't any clearer.. Seems I spent most of my 20's trying to work it out, seems I made plenty of decisions, most of them wrong but learnt a little .. And now here I find myself in my 30's wondering if this is it , is this what life is all about? Yes I have some wonderful friends, some really close friends , friends that are either in the shit or in my shit with me.. I live in shitsville a town that is the shittiest point on the stick.. where life carries on but never changes .. the faces change but the life is the same.. I've sat in bed wondering what will happen that will force the change that I need, or even what the change is that I need.. Does change come to you or do you have to go out and find it, and if you do find it , how do you know it's the right change for you and not another crappy decision you have made because you think that this time you really DO know what you are doing with your life.. How long do we all get to practice at this thing before you actually have to start living like an adult who knows what they want or wants to do what they are doing ??? I'll be in my mid thirties soon and the idea of still being clueless at 30 odd scares the shit out of me ....oh and I also need my highlights doing and my bingo wings are getting bigger ....

Monday July 28: Abandoned by .. the whop circle…

So not only has WankWhop found a new trout to swim with but it appears the whop circle is suffering major breakage... WhopChop has been on one, only difference is this weekend he's been on a work one.. so not only is he soba, he's done what his girlfriend has told him.... great for him, shite for me.. Miss Whop has been out on the razz all weekend and is having major problems in putting one foot in front of the other.. so far she's made it to the back garden and is still feeling "hazy" , well that's what happens when you try and party when you are past it...no no i'm not jealous much...no shit... So there has been no get together of the whops all weekend.. which means I've had to think about WankWhop, which believe me is not a good thing...on the account he is in fact a grade one wanker... AND I've had to padlock the fridge.. put on 4lbs and I must have inhaled it because I swear to god I haven't eaten ..well apart from the chocolate, the crisps and oooooooooohhhhhhh fucking hell it's all the Whop's fault....

Saturday July 26: Thinking of having an affair with myself

Since I still have had a no call from WankWhop, and let's face it there isn't one coming .. I have decided to brighten up my life by having an affair with myself.. thought about this and decided it can have all the benefits of the excitement of an affair.. decided I can text myself without me knowing, I can run into the bathroom with my phone to read them without me banging on the door to find out what was going on..I can take myself out and lie to myself about where i've been ,, the possibilities are endless....I can buy myself flowers and presents.. fucking hell I could be quite happy having an affair with myself......

Saturday July 26: Find a tenner pick it up… and piss yourself at the Chav that dropped it

Walked through Shitsville tonight on my way home from a pizza, should have known better than to walk through during playing out time for the Mini Chav's and the Mini Wag's.. now call me strange, but what's with all the neon outfits, leg warmers and Tutu skirts on the mini wags??? and it's seriously disturbing to see a 15 year old's fat arse complete with cellulite pounding the pavement at 7pm ... Having only just managed to stop myself from gipping at the sight of the mini wags, I come across a group of retarded, nylon covered knobs.. ( knob's being lads, I wasn't lucky enough to stumble across a collection on penis's wearing hold ups)... they were clearly struggling with the effects of the half litre of top quality cider they'd managed to drink, although credit where it's due they do seem able to smoke cigarettes dangerously way past the "burn your lips" filter stage.. I was hit by a flying Carlsberg "tinny" that was making no attempt to hit the bin, no in fact it was expertly aimed at a shop window.. when I pointed this out to "gene pool mishap" he returned conversation in single syllables only ... oh he was a delight.. although he had to cut our conversation short as it appeared his mate and he had lost their pocket money... their sensible nylon pants with an excessive zips and elastic had let them down... oh what a shame.. so imagine my delight as I carried on walking only to see in front of me a £10 note on the paving stone at my feet.. Did I pick it up ... yes Did I know it was their's ..yes Did i give it back... did I fuck... I laughed my imaginary cock off all the way home ! bless em....

Saturday July 26: Mobility Moped convention in Shitsville today….

Drove through Shitsville today and saw the weird and the wonderful Every doctors surgery had at least three parked outside today... Now it's not unusual to see a couple of old giffers on mobility scooters around Shitsville... but I swear today there were hundreds... sat at the lights and watched one pull up outside the pharmacy ( let's call him Bob).. and then another comes round the corner. ( let's call him Stan). Now i hadn't realised this before, but it seems there is a little rivalry amongst our cloth cap wearing moped driving elders... Stan parked his chariot just a little to close to Bob's, you could see the anger build as Bob surveyed the scene, due to Stan's inconsiderate parking it meant the dismount was going to a little harder than anticipated.. Stan was blissfully unaware as he removed his driving gloves and selected his walking stick..and I swear Bob rubber bumped Stan's chariot on purpose... It was like watching two chav's burn each other off in their corsa's at the lights..

Thursday July 24: Private Whop goes back to work..

So Private Whop has set off to work.. not sure he was all that keen to go.. he's away for a few weeks now, went to see him before he left and found him staring at his suit case willing the stuff to pack itself.. so I did the only thing a good mate should, .. left him alone for an hour to pack the sodding thing himself... found out one thing about him though, he packs like a girl.. Jesus the guy had three off everything, in every colour and totally over packed his case... he took more pairs of shoes than I do and believe me I pack a shit load of shoes...

Thursday July 24: Whop no post but a shit load of spam…..

Still no post, but to make up for the fact the royal mail are ignoring me, it seems that all the email spammers have all grouped together to make sure I'm not feeling lonely... it seems they know my life so well they know that I am suffering the torment of penis dysfunction, (clearly I am as I haven't got one and doesn't look like i'll be trying anyone else's any time soon) that I definately need a replica watch, that Viagra is my only answer to a successful sex life.. oh and not forgetting those friendly folk who have taken the time to write and tell me that the 5 bank accounts I haven't got have been hacked and I must send them all my details NOW.. fantastic... I'm not the least bit lonely now...

Wednesday July 23: not that i’m too paranoid but ….

Whopchop is avoiding making contact, think his Chick has put her foot down... either that or he is on a downer. not unusual after a three day bender.. had the odd mad text .. I've had no post for four days.. what's all that about, no bills, no demands and no even an offer of a free hearing aid ??????

Tuesday July 22: Alco Whop the return…

So Miss Whop is having a nightmare... seems the grape vine (or the Hops vine in his case) is alive with the rumour he's going to try and win her back..AGAIN!!. With this in mind myself and Miss Whop are going to have to consider security measures.. she can't move address so that's not an option..she could move into mine.. but that would mean a diaster.. i wouldn't go to work, and the place would resemble a smoking den after a day..so what can we do?? We could order him some concrete slippers for swimming in ? ..... Extreme solution I know but this guy is better at come backs than Bobby twatting Ewing..

Tuesday July 22: Head’s a shed and life’s a disco…..

Well it may not come as a surprise to know that WankWhop has fallen off the end of the earth..either that or he has drowned while fishing for trout.. Finally caught up with Scuba Whop yesterday.. seems she been avoiding her nut nut mother for the last few days so she had to resume full radio silence.. she's had a stressful weekend with the family.. Whop Chop finally got in touch, seems he had a complete bender that lasted the entire weekend, myself and Miss Whop could have gone round to check on him if his girlfriend would stop hissing at us from ten paces..(used to be twenty, think she is warming to us). Introduced my 84 year old Nan yesterday to the power of handsfree... fantastic.. answered the phone in my car on loud speaker and pissed myself as I watched her look into the back seat for the invisible talking passenger.. even better was the fact that for some reason she felt they couldn't hear her , they could only hear me.. so my caller was treated to the delights of my nana complaining about her itchy pop socks and her sheep spotting....

Monday July 21: WankWhop and Alco Whop - turning off the bullshit detector…..

well still no call from WankWhop..he has defo been fishing for a few trouts.. hope he got his line caught and is currently swimming with his very own fishes the stupid twat..Miss Whop is thrilled to have not heard from Alco Whop..we think there may have been an offer on at Bargain Booze....hence the radio silence... Myself and Miss Whop were thinking today about the benefits of being single this weekend..we've both been able to turn our Bullshit Detectors off.. mind you they clearly haven't been working too well for the past 4 years or we'd have seen through the knob jockeys ages ago.. However there are some real advantages.. Your mates start coming round more.. your family start talking to you.. you can go where you want, when you want, you have more money.. you can drown in a pool of your own vomit and no one knows.. oh shit perhaps i've found the one down side.. oh and the other downside I have already lost a good pair of flip flops..and having no one to hold your hair back when you're shouting to hughee down the big white telephone in the bath room ( being sick in your toilet after a few scoops)....but other than that and the obvious lack of sex it's not that bad... Actually I wonder if I will start to miss that stupid question like "babe can you get rid of this for me?" when he's woken you up first thing in a morning grinning at you like a mentalist..

Sunday July 20: horoscopes — what a crock of shite…

Now don't get me wrong I know we all secretly read our own horoscopes.. and the one's of our current stalking victim...( oh that's just me then..) but what a piss take mine was today.. it was clearly written by someone with a sense of humour or torture??? You'll know from last night that I have a slight issue with the lack of horizontal line dancing in my life... so you can imagine what a crock of shite it was to read this in today's paper.... Feeling confident to express what you need sexually to a partner can be challenging, dear xxxxxxxx. But not today. Confidence in your ability to communicate well will be strengthened and the words will come easier than usual. Be sure to keep your statement focused on what you need using "I" statements rather than putting your partner in a potentially defensive position. If you can communicate that it's about your needs and not their "inadequacies," things will go better. So if i take the advice above , I'm assuming I need to stand in Whopsville city centre with a neon arrow above my head pointing to a sign saying... "for the love of god please do shag me before the fucking thing heals over !" I think "things may go better" after that little NEWSFLASH ........

Sunday July 20: We have a Vegetarian option

Seems I upset one of the Whop circle tonight.. seems having an opinion is a no no ... admittedly I can be direct.. I can, but fuck me there's no need to go on and on and on about it .. so lets get this straight, you don't agree that I don't agree.. ok got that.. oh sorry you need to say it again..ok , got that ... ohhhh and again .. right I've defo got it now.. sorry you need to make yourself a little clearer.. right ok...right mate any clearer and a sandwich board is gonna be necessary ... fucking hell belinda belinda Be"fucking"linda .....jog on .....

Sunday July 20: Is that on straight ??

Took some time today to trim my lady garden.. problem is I think it's a bit on the pish.. ( if you don't know what that means i'm not about to explain), now the distinct lack of male company means I'm having difficulty getting a second opinion.. and there is only so much time a girl can take looking at her own foo foo in the mirror.. seriously considering trying a bold introduction to my new next door neighbours..

Sunday July 20: walking like an MFI wardrobe.. bad times .. just one drink too many then ?

So back to Thursday night, the plan ? a drink or two with Private whop.. headed down into Shitsville for a dink, you'll know the bar, it's the one where regardless of what you buy there's no change out of the tenner for two drinks.... Private Whop brings his mate, we sit outside and get pissed wet through so that I can have a fag..all good so far.. now there's something you need to understand about me at this point.. I can not mix my drinks.. I don't mean i can't use a spoon or a cocktail shaker, i mean I really can't change drinks, bad bad idea.. so with this knowledge in mind I proceed to mix rose and white wine, by the twatting bucket load...but i'm feeling fine, and I'm not feeling the rain .. the other two are but in my new found relaxed state I appear not to have noticed or care much... the next round is due and I suggest a soft drink for me.. very impressed with my self control....... but then Agent Whop arrives.. steaming.. and chips off to the bar to get in the drinks.... Now I remember leaving, I remember walking out having to trace my way along the walls with my backside for fear of falling over.. i remember getting outside and realising I would have to free style walk back to Private Whop's to get my keys.. Agent whop and Private whop don't appear pissed at all , so it was just me who was walking like an MFI wardrobe ( unhinged and wobbling) .. also did that really bad thing, had the "did I say that out loud " moment.. several times.. weird thing is, I am convinced at this point I am pissed from the leg upwards... Why can no one understand what i'm saying, it was only my legs that weren't working ??? wasn't it?? anyway we left the pub about 12.30, walked to Private's ( two mins away) pick up my keys .. well i pick them up several times , because they seemed to keep jumping out of my hand the awkward bastard things... Leave private's and walk to mine ( two mins away when approached in a straight / soba line).. So why is it that at 3:45am , i find myself sat flip flopless, on top of my own coffee table ????-- bad bad bad fucking times...... I liked those flip flops as well.....

Saturday July 19: Friday

ok so i haven't added anything for Friday.. promise i will, i will as soon as the brass band that is still (24 hours later) stops rehearsing in my head.. i shit you not i honestly feel like i'm dying.. and it's Private and Agent Whop's fault !!!

Saturday July 19: Corporate bingo …..

Checked out of the flea pit, said good bye to the girl with the two tone rat on her head and promptly followed her shitty directions to the training course, and yes thanks to rat wig I arrived twenty minutes late . I was greeted by an incredibly over enthusiastic man dressed in far too much purple and directed to the our "learning room"... oh what joy , 8 corporate idiots doing their best to out do each other with their corporate lingo bingo....if I heard "ROADMAP", "JOURNEY" once I heard it a thousand times.... and no I don't work for the ordnance survey office...I work with corporate wankers...I decided to try my best to get high on the permanent markers available.. bad times.. they were none toxic.... I sat next to Robin, he was my "PARTNER" for the day.. it became apparent by lunch he would much rather have been the partner of our PURPLE PREACHER, his persistent arse kissing was embarrassing and he nearly knocked my eye out on several occasions in his desperation to put his hand up first. Then there was Kirsty, she was clearly as pleased to be there as me, she occupied her time text arguing with her boyfriend from underneath the table.. either that or it was her excuse for sitting with her phone between her thighs while in constantly vibrated....needless to say the buffet lunch was shite and I learnt nothing...other than how to fit as much stolen stationary into my bag without being bubbled...still took the opportunity to take all the numbers of the complete strangers in the room with the confident knowledge I'd never call any of them...anyway tonight should be an improvement.. off out with Private and agent whop for a few dinks... Miss Whop won't come out she's having a bath.. god knows she needed one ...

Wednesday July 16: WankWhop … the call

Well it's been over a week and I still haven't heard from Wankwhop, seems that when I said don't call me again, he actually for the first time, has done as i asked...what a bastard ! he's probably stuck up some trout somewhere ( and i don't mean he's gone fishing) or maybe I'm unwittingly taking part in a Mexican stand off and just don't know it yet.. yeah well bring on the chilli.....

Wednesday July 16: The dog’s not dead yet …

WhopChop is having a nightmare, had a full on flid this morning .. next door's dog is still waking him up at 6 in the morning..he's now spending his spare time in the taxi deciding how best to kill the dog.. so far the two favoured options are a mallet to the head.. or a bowl of free food laced with rat poison.. harsh I thought, recommended he just call the RSPCA.. he doesn't believe that an option due to the fact they won't come before tomorrow and he's after a decent nights kip...

Wednesday July 16: Arse end of nowhere …

160720082361.jpgnew security device - piss taking bastards 16072008235.jpg So work have sent me on a training course, great nice night in a hotel, lazy day... well so far not, driven four and a half hours to find out that I'm staying in the car park of a service station. Can't begin to explain how shite it is, there's a fucking sink in the bedroom, you can't turn round in the bathroom without ripping the skin of your elbows.. oh and there's no bath. The girl on reception is interesting to look at, a three tone hair cut that looks like a rat has attached itself to her head. There's a fridge in reception..enough said...

Tuesday July 15: …seems smiling more can get you into some interesting situations…

interesting day today.. up early and at work early.. how was work.. shite..christ they were miserable at work today.. so whilst walking home I decided to smile more.. not a big deal I suppose, but it's amazing how people react when you smile more.. I've also discovered it's one of the best ways to be rude to people.. example.. called into a well known newsagent today on the way home.. picked up a couple of things I needed and proceeded to the queue, well I say queue, there was one person waiting and two being served, the guy in front of me goes to the first available counter.. and then the beached ginger haired whale at counter two shouts to the queue "can you move along please, I said next !".. , a couple of things struck me at this point.. who the fuck was she shouting at, the guy at the next till nearly dropped his Saga mag in shock and I turned to see the huge queue behind me, oh wait a minute there is no queue.. so she's shouting at me.. clearly I appear as though I require additional instruction.. second thing to strike me is that this women really didn't need to draw extra attention to herself, christ she was ugly..undeterred I decide to try the smiling approach.. clearly disturbed by my smiling yet vacant expression, she speeds through my items..all 8 of them, and these include some big items.. she barks the cost at me, I smile again, infact i don't my expression remains unchanged, oh now the vacant thing is really unsettling her.. and then she asks "Do you want a bag?" now I consider this carefully.. possible replies.." no it's ok thanks, I have my pack horse outside", "no thanks, my invisible friends, the borrowers are going to help me", or perhaps "no,no, it's fine thank you, I'll just pull out my secret mini inflatable shopping trolley and pop them in there".. instead I answer " Yes, thank you that would help"... I smile , call her a trout and leave.............. I smile at an old guy on a disability moped whilst on my way home.. he offers me lift... since this would mean me sitting on his lap, between his jack russell and his crutches, i politely decline....

Monday July 14: christ it’s been text manic.. 12 step programme

So today has been a text day..Miss Whop sent me a couple of text's well actually she sent me loads , but she forwarded me two from Alco Whop, poor bastard still hasn't worked out that his "please take me back I'm as weak as a shot dog" isn't working, I mean come on, surely any man on this earth knows that when his text's aren't being returned, in fact his emails are being returned, and his calls avoided, that maybe just maybe she doesn't want you anymore.. So far he has covered off most of the usual steps in the 12 step programme ( see what I did there), ok to be fair he's not following the AA programme although christ knows he should.. ohhh nooo he's following this one...my 12 step "how to have a great relationship and fuck it up beyond hope "

1. apologise for being a twat but not mean it
2. stride confidently away thinking you've won her over
3. fuck up again -
4. see step 1
5. disappear to the pub.. "only nipping for an hour love"
6. do steps 1-5 continually and regularly for 3 years
7. receive ultimatum - nod in all the right places- but essentially ignore the ultimatum
8. looked shocked as she tells you it's over.. move out
9. question her relentlessly for hours working out if she means it - NEWSFLASH she does
10. Beg, plead, threaten, kidnap the dog, tell her you love her, you are sorry... doesn't work...
11. Surprise, she feels sorry for you, she's prepared to give it a go Again! Tell her you won't let her down ..
12. Let her down .... within days...

Now Alco Whop has completed this programme with incredible success, he's even managed on occasion to jump between steps and repeat many of them, over and twatting over again.. Miss Whop has forgiven him many times, infact so many times that he's probably completed this programme at least 3 times a year.. he probably has a certificate somewhere.. but god loves a man that trys..only problem is Miss Whop doesn't... thank fuck! But lucky for me and you, he will no doubt continue to provide entertainment over the weeks to come.. personally I'm waiting for the suicide text...

Sunday July 13: since when did men get hormones ???

jesus christ, it seems men now get hormonal (is that how you spell it??) anyway, I know us girls have the odd flid when it's that time, but it seems my whop mates are having them now.. when did that start to happen? Personally I blame mens skin care products, it seems it's the only thing in common that my two male whop mates have, since they started crying at the sight of disabled children and skipping past the page 3 girl in the daily paper...not sure about you but I prefer a man, all that sensitive stuff is nice at first but when you wake up in the morning and you find two eyes staring at you, and a hand stroking your hair, well it's all a little much..get's confusing frankly.. why can't we go back to them scratching themselves, farting under the bed clothes and grunting in all the usual places...personally I'm more than comforted when they come back from the bathroom and burst with excitement whilst telling you about the huge floater they've just donated to your U bend....keeps a girl sane...

Sunday July 13: dangers of a laundry basket….

Just had an interesting experience, just managed to fall into my laundry basket.. not entirely sure how it happened, one minute I was putting my socks in, the next minute I had Friday's knickers stuck to my forehead, and believe me it was not a good look, in itself not a huge issue until you understand that the laundry basket is lined with velcro.. well that wasn't fucking funny, try getting that bastard under your arm pit while you wrestling like an idiot to free yourself.... not one for drama but I believe a large scar may develop........bastard

Sunday July 13: Any sausages left……

Just had a call from Whop Chop, it's 10.30am on a Sunday and he's working.. well he's in the taxi..Main reason ? Main reason being his Missus has eaten all the sausages, not a big deal, but combined with the fact that next door's dying dog woke him up coughing it's poorly guts up this morning, he decided to get out of the house.. to be honest I think the main reason is because he is now fixated on eating a sausage butty. Since his missus fed the street with the ones he bought yesterday he's had to go out and buy his own... bad times

Sunday July 13: Why do I wake up this early??/

Forgive me for mentioning this but last time I checked I wasn't in my 50's, so why the hell is it that lately I wake up at 6am everyday.. and I mean everyday.. spend my morning waiting for the rest of the world to get thier arse out of bed.. wouldn't seem quite so sad if I had friends in different time zones, at least then I could blag the fact I woke up early to talk to them, or that actually I was just getting in from a night out...truth is I'm not.. I have already watched Sky news re runs , I could frankly repeat the news bulletin word for word now ( complete with adverts)..so the upshot is, by the time my mates are up, I'll be already knackerd and yawning...